Bigg Blue Yonder....

We All Scream....

2008-08-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

My daughter and I patronized a local street festival the other night. It was near enough to walk on over and we had a fun time just being out and about. There was music and entertainment, and, as usual, like the county fair from last month, there was a plentitude of requsite, expensive and greasy, fair-style food from which to select, though I honestly just wasn't personally particularly interested (though I admit I did have one small bite of my daughter's curley fries, and another from her Dippin' Dots). My only real food indulgence was an ear of sweet corn (it was a bit tough) -- plus a small glass of sweet tea my daughter and I shared (the only thing we could find to purchase to use up the one spare ticket we had leftover). Even then the glass held far more ice than actual tea, so....

In any case, for my birthday earlier this month (hello, 42!)? My family bought me an ice cream maker for my gift, as per my special request. I had an electric maker from years ago -- purchased second hand at a church rummage sale for a buck. It was old and quite crappy -- but we could still manage to make vegan ice cream in it from time to time, just for kicks. It pooped out on me though the last time I tried it some years back. And besides, it was always such a sloppy mess to deal with -- what with the ice and the salt, the dripping and sloshing all over the place. These newer models out today are such a radical improvement it isnt' even funny -- no ice nor salt required (just the insert that one keeps frozen in the freezer). And it can just sit on the kitchen counter top to do its thing (instead of on the driveway or garage floor in order to contain the mess). Anyway, my husband and kids really love frozen desserts - but it's expensive to buy the nondairy stuff very often. I thought having a working one of our own again would be a fun, family-oriented thing to have and do -- and so far so good. Using the book "Vice Cream" (non dairy recipes), we've whipped a few varieties in recent weeks -- in particular one last night that turned out pretty well. 'Pumpkin' Vice Cream, no less (turned out not too shabby!). The base of the vice creams is ground cashews, as opposed to dairy or soy -- so it's certainly not low fat here. Thanfully, I've never been a HUGE ice cream fan (not to the extreme anyway -- like some people can be. I mean, I like it and all -- but I've never been one to go crazy) -- dairy or otherwise, so it's really not a terrible temptation for me anyway, beyond just sampling modest amounts for the taste of it. Mostly it's fun just to have a new novelty around the house to experiment with ....

Gymmy Gym Gym....

2008-08-22T07:23:00.000-07:00

A small moment of silence to commemorate my 8th month anniversary of gym membership (which technically was a few days ago but better late than never anyway)....

......................

Here's to you -- my small, inexpensive, handy/nearby/convenient, no-frills gym. You continue to meet my basic needs and serve me well, and for that I thank you....

When I entered the gym doors last night, after a more stressful last couple of days, I was feeling like one big ugly tangle of knotted and irritated nerves. I knew working out would help with that, and it did. Talk about mood stabilization -- I left the gym feeling considerably more clear headed. Thank you, endorphins. And no, I didn't make a point of killing myself on the machines either -- just a nice, moderate, little workout. Because one truly doesn't have to become a Jane Fonda to reap the results, as I'm beginning to fully understand (because I'm faaaaaar from a work out queen). Still, I'm recognizing more and more that my work outs are becoming simply like my 'medicine' -- a huge chunk in the puzzle of my overall health (physical AND mental) and well being.

Healthy Attitude

2008-08-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

I've had some awesome workouts at the gym this week, and have been feeling all around generally positive and strong these last several days. For one thing, "Aunt Flo" from "Red Creek Farm" came and went in regards to her monthly visit. That always has the effect of making me feel like a new person (well, for a few short days anyway -- until the cycle begins all over again that is). Also, the weather has been fantastic --sunny with comfortable, low dew points and reasonable temperatures (and in August no less --how weird). High heat and humidity always saps my energy and makes me feel sluggishly, so I've definitely had this in my favor lately (thank you global warming?).....

Whatever the cause, I feel strong and capable right now. Small things really, just in everyday life -- but which make such a difference in my attitude. Carrying groceries into the house with minimal effort and slinging the bags around with abandon, for example. Running up two flights of stairs in search of a restroom in an old building the other day -- just for fun. Gardening with a frenzy whenever the mood strikes. Rarely, if ever, getting sick. Long and enjoyable bike rides. Poking and fondling the bulkiness that is my contracted bicep -- yep, it's definitely in there all right, getting ever bigger and stronger (even if it is still pretty much hidden-- oh well!). Seeing my friends eyes widen in unexpected surprise when I force THEM to feel said rippling biceps, heh. Just all around improved energy and mood. So yeah --despite no dramatic weight loss (hey, a gal could dream, couldn't she?) ... nor even, in my case, ANY weight loss (nada,zero, zilch -- yep), these last 7 months of working out have made great physical, as well as psychological, improvements.....

I *FEEL* better, healthier -- and that's nothing to sneeze at.....

Is it really August already????

2008-08-09T07:00:00.000-07:00

My Moon Time is scheduled to happen Any Minute. So let's get on with it shall we??? Please!

It's always so hard for me to stick with any resolve during p.m.s. time. Perhaps I should just accept this (?). Hmmm, can I get ahead in a healthful way physically if I stick to a plan only 3 weeks out of every month? (well, I suppose it's better than unhealthful habits 4 weeks of every month, no?)....

It's been a little while since my last entry, and several things have changed around here since then. Probably the most significant is that my darling teenage son, whom we all adore (all that is, but his younger sister, heh), has returned to us from the 6 week athletic camp/intensive thingie he was participating in in another state this summer. He learned a lot and improved skills and it was overall a great experience for him. We went to fetch him and bring him back just over a week ago. I missed him very much while he was away of course, and thrilled to have him back home....

However, I must confess, having him back in the house does change the dynamic around the household considerably. The 'energy' is different, the overall activity level has ramped way up. And especially when it comes to food, meals and eating? Very different!

Just an all-around great kid -- but you've heard the old tired cliche about teenage boys and eating? Well, I can attest that It's All True. All of it!

This kiddo can literally eat us out of house and home, and always has -- think of the 'Jughead' character from the Archie comics. Yep, that's my son. Perpetually starving, all of the time -- with a constant need to consume calories. Note please that he is extremely physically active, in addition to all the regular teenage growth -- so his metabolic rate must be through the stratosphere. He's very involved with a physically-active, extra-curricular activity, for which he must practice and train almost daily. Tall for his age (over 6 feet at newly 15), he's extremely slim, and toned --without an extra ounce of body fat anywhere to be seen (guess he has a 'hollow' leg to stash all the food he can pile away in a sitting)....

Compared to that eating machine, my husband, daughter and I are 'light' consumers, relatively speaking anyway. I got used to making very simple, light meals while my son was away, that satisfied the three of us at least (but which he would likely have found lacking). Cooking was uncomplicated. Heck, I barely even shopped (and I'd wager we saved serious money in the way of groceries these past 6 weeks in the process!). There were no grumblings, no complaints of 'why is there nothing to EAT around here!'. ... Plus, most importantly, in regards to me? I'm realizing it was a heck of a lot easier to exert the personal self control needed for my own health habits while he was away.

Therein, the peace and quiet of the summer has changed a bit in the short while he's been home, hello!

Suddenly, I'm thinking about Food all the time again -- not necessarily for ME, but in order to try to keep one step ahead of HIM. I think I've already been shopping already more times this past week than I did the whole previous six -- trying to find things for him to grab and go, or cook himself (happily, he is pretty good about that) between meals. My meal planning has become more complicated again -- in order to try to incorporate his tastes and nutritional needs. Once again I'm stocking those snacky items that I didn't even think twice about all summer.

Not to mention the jump start in activity level that happened once he came back -- with me running around again to get him to his various activities, practices, educational and social events, etc. It has definitely upped my stress level compared to the dull, quiet days of the last few months. I'm still trying to get used this new schedule (which will even increase with the start of fall I know) -- for sure, stress for me is the enemy of my emotional eating issues, heh!

As such, this transition seems to be a bit of a trial to my self control -- and I admit it's taken a bit of a slide. Maybe not terribly so? (yet) -- but I'm definitely eating MORE quantity, with LESS quality, since he's been back. Finding time to get to the gym is different too, my schedule has changed so much (not that I blame him in any way, mind you -- I'm just more challenged I guess, and need to get a grip and pay more attention to what I'm doing....).... Because as I know all to well, if I don't reign this in all the good I achieved this summer will be for naught.

Pep Talk

2008-07-31T06:29:00.000-07:00

I hit the gym with a little renewed fervor yesterday. I guess having a even a small visual indication, no matter how subtle, that the exercise is actually Doing Something, was a wee shot in the arm for me.

I do have a dark history of jump-starting ambitious fitness endeavors and sticking with them for some time, before allowing them to gradually taper off in frustration when I fail to see any obvious visual effects -- because the exercise "doesn't seem to be Doing Anything anyway". Only to discover later how very wrong I was, when, much to my dismay, my weight would actually drift up a few pounds upon stopping. Making me realize that the exercise was indeed very much Doing Something -- as in keeping me from getting even bigger, if anything else.... Well, with several such experiences under my belt over the years, I think I've gotten this all too important message finally drummed into my thick head.

Now, when I'm talking about obvious visual effects? Naturally I mean noticeable 'weight loss' or 'toning' or 'size reduction' in some way. The ADD, short-sighted person in me always desires this sort of instant gratification -- when actually, the fact of the matter is, all along there are and always have been a bounty of positive and pleasurable effects to working out. Equally, if not even more more important than those readily measurable by the eye. The gains in strength and stamina, the improved energy, flexibility, hormonal benefits, etc. Intellectually I've always known this (whether I wanted to admit it or not), even as I let my fitness programs slide and gradually bite the dust over the years, one by one (all because I wasn't 'losing weight').

Today I finally know better, and understand that I can't take able-bodiness for granted like I used to. For one thing, I'm older now, 41 years. My body is older. Things are 'different'. Suddenly, I can clearly imagine just how much faster things could go downhill physically for me than they might have in my 20's, or even in my 30's. Yeah. It's definitely "Use It Or Lose It" time.....

The truth is, I do believe my overall fitness level is reasonably fair, given my age/size/etc. At least average, I believe. I enjoy walking and biking, and can do so for goodly distances, without undue effort (and with great pleasure). Last month, my family took a camping trip out west, where we did a lot of hiking, in the mountains, at high altitude (which as a flat lander I'm not used to at all). Some of the trails got pretty steep, yet I was able to keep up. I'm currently lifting 40 pounds when doing the bicep curl strength machine (doing 3 sets of 12 to 15 reps). I bench press the naked steel bar (no added weight) in the free-weight area easily -- I believe it's 45 pounds (3 sets of 15 reps). I can squat and stand back up with relative ease. And also, I rarely, rarely ever get sick (even colds). So no, while I'm not going to be entering the Olympics anytime soon -- nor am I as fit as many other people, nor even in fact as fit as I might have the potential to be personally -- there have been definite strides this last half year of gym membership. Always room for improvement of course -- and so I will continue to keep on, keeping on.

Indeed, the exercise, despite not losing a single solitary pound (as usual) in these six months of working out, is definitely 'Doing Something'.....

Pool Cool

2008-07-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

So last night I took my daughter and her friend to the pool. Yep, you heard me right -- The Pool.

In the distant past, when I was young and beautiful but had those horrible, warped, 'thin-but-thought-I-was-enormously-fat' issues (like, 20 years ago), you could not have PAID me to put on a bathing suit and go gallivanting at a pool. Never ever. And really, what a shame. A crime. A waste of Life (which is too damn short as it is). No, today I actually AM fat, hello -- but, while I'm not exactly happy about it, I'm not going to let so much Life pass me by anymore either (thank you, Joy Nash and your wonderful Fat Rant III: http://fatrantblog.wordpress.com/2008/06/19/fat-rant-3-staircase-wit/)

It was hotter than the blue blazes yesterday, and humid -- exactly like a sauna. I finally came This Close to breaking down and firing up the air conditioner (yes, we are stubborn hold outs)... but no. Instead, I suggested a dip in the public pool was in order, much to my daughter's delight. My first visit of the season -- and once I hit that wonderfully refreshing, evening water I couldn't possibly imagine why I hadn't done this yet this summer. Well, actually I probably could imagine -- perhaps because the thought of parading my estimated 250 or so pounds around in a bathing suit in public hasn't always filled me with enormous enthusiasm??? Well, I'm determined to get over myself -- and last night felt like a new beginning somehow.

All in all, I felt very comfortable in my suit -- just a regular, black, one-piece, with no skirt or shorts. For years, I've worn swimsuits with little skirts or faux, built-in shorts. My last suit was truly hideous in every way (color/shape/style/you name it) -- I'd shopped too late in the season and was forced to pick the only thing left on the rack with sewn-on shorts. Super ugly, but by god the thing had SHORTS -- so, I wore it. Begrudgingly. Finally though, I replaced it last year or so with another suit -- just a regular suit, that, while I liked the basic style of it, it possessed no requisite, security-blanket shorts/skirt. My solution at the time I was buying it (at Target), was to just walk a few steps over to the men's department on the other side of the fitting rooms and pick up a pair of loose, basket ball-style, athletic shorts to wear with it. Well, last night I decided 'aw, to heck with it' -- and wore the suit sans shorts. How liberating! Plus I wasn't filled with enormous dread by what I saw in the locker-room mirrors either (so not only did I feel more comfortable in my suit -- I was feeling more comfortable in my SKIN?). Perhaps these last 6 months of regularly working out at the gym, despite no apparent weight-loss nor obvious decrease in overall size (insert small sigh here), HAS had an effect. I looked, what...? Firmer maybe...?

At any rate, the swimming was lovely. I'm not a strong swimmer by nature, but I can get around well enough, and I did. Back and forth across the pool, comfortably treading water -- very relaxing, and fun. My daughter and I made games of going across without using our arms, then without using our legs. I'm sure there was exercise-worthiness somewhere in that....

"Nice Jewish Fat Girl"

2008-07-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

Well, shuckey durn. A newish weight loss blog I had just recently stumbled upon, and was beginning to enjoy since I felt I had a lot in common with the blogger (age/weight/size/general attitude, etc), seems to have already bitten the dust: http://nicejewishfatgirl.blogspot.com/ .

I did notice, after posting with regularity for a few months, she hadn't updated since the middle of July -- not the best of signs, as I personally know only too well (waves hand). Now her journal seems disbanded entirely. Aw. So long, Nice Jewish Fat Girl -- here's hoping everything works out the very best for you....

To (P)each His Own....

2008-07-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

Lots of biking still, with my daughter. Plus, lately I've been getting out the bike when I have small errands to run. Saves gas....

In regards to my food consumption -- the overeating demons have raised their ugly heads here and there in the past week. My spirits took a small dive this past weekend for example -- not even sure the cause of that, BUT, since I'm an emotional eater/a stress eater/a low point eater/a high point eater/a celebratory eater/a sympathetic eater/a boredom eater/an avoidance eater/a nervous eater/a depression eater/a happy eater/an angry eater/an excitement eater, and whatever other kind of emotion you can possibly think of..., I felt... can you guess??? Indeed, the overwhelming desire to EAT and consume FOOD! When I wasn't hungry!

Fortunately, I've been managing to stick to the McDougalling, even in the face of these hideous compulsions. So while I was likely eating too much? At least it's been too much of the oil-free broccoli brown rice stir-fry, or the fresh pico-de-gallo topped, scratch-simmered pinto beans, or quick-microwaved sweet potatoes. My refined sugar intake continues to be very low, as has my overall fat consumption (successfully avoiding the peanut butter, the tahini, the tofu, the olive oil, etc. And No Dairy -- nada, none, zilch. So maybe there hasn't been too terribly severe damage?)

I went grocery shopping on Sunday, hungry no less (living dangerously here) -- but was able to stick to the basics I went for (fresh veg and fruit, a few canned goods, etc) with very little temptation. The one questionable thing I did buy was the package of frozen, microwavable soft pretzels -- they were just looking awfully tasty to me in my famished state, and checking out the label I was surprised to find the ingredients weren't as dreadful as I was anticipating -- not too many added chemicals (none unpronounceable), and no added oils. Yes to the white flour nastiness -- but with a mere 1 gram of fat per serving they didn't seem too terribly sinful, and into my cart they were tossed (with a few into my stomach later on)....

I've also been eating lots of fresh peaches -- peaches, peaches and more peaches. We love our fresh fruit around here -- so when the opportunity to purchase a bushel of peaches presented itself we took advantage. And if eating too many gorgeous, juicy-sweet fresh Georgia peaches is wrong? I don't wanna be right....

Fair Fare

2008-07-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

The day before on our epic bike ride, my daughter and I were riding through a local park/fair grounds and stumbled across our local county fair in action. I hadn't even realized it was in town. We weren't at all prepared to go at the time (no money, no bike locks), but I promised DD we'd return the next night. Which we did, just the two of us (my husband busy, and my son away at camp)....

Years ago, we once lived in a community in another state that REALLY knew how to put on a County Fair. I guess that particular region was still rural enough -- with plenty of family farming operations for whom the county fair was still apparently an important and meaningful event. One could spend the who day there checking it all out -- always tons of domesticated farm animals of every kind and breed on display (cows, pigs, horses, sheep, llamas, goats, chickens, geese, rabbits, and on and on), plenty of garden vegetable entries, complete with judging on dozens of pies, cakes, cake decorating, breads, canned goods, pickles, jellies and jams, quilts and on and on and on. Plus vendors, lots of vendors -- all with entire buildings dedicated to house and display these very items. Our fair here is quite different. There isn't nearly the emphasis on farm life, nor those quaint and nearly-extinct domestic skills (only a few paltry tables, in one room, were necessary to display ALL last night's fair entries -- plus one small area of the grounds for the show cows, pigs, and sheep). Our county fair is primarily about the carnie rides and fair food -- all wrapped up within an ever-so-slightly seedy atmosphere. I didn't expect to see many people I knew, nor (aside from one vaguely familiar face or two) did I....

As such we had a really fun (abeit expensive) time. I'd run to the gym in the late afternoon (40 sweaty minutes on the elliptical), and had taken a shower. I'd then figured since I'd gone to THAT trouble, I may as well put in my contacts (which I save only for special occasions, since I have chronic dry eyes and they aren't comfortable). Upon which I figured why stop there? and even put on a little make-up, which I rarely do anymore (because I'm more of the natural, hippie-mama type these days, not to mention the fact that I seem to have developed an allergy to it these last several years). So all in all, I was feeling pretty cute....

Did I mention the fair food? Whew, what a selection -- I think every conceivable choice available (complete with fried twinkies). My daughter was hungry and I was able to steer her (it wasn't a hard-sell) toward probably the healthiest vegetarian option there -- a 'veggie gyro' (veggies and feta on pita). We went and sat among the peeps eating their whole turkey legs and funnel cake as she ate her pita -- me consuming only the last bite or two that she couldn't finish. I also sampled a sip of the lemon shake up she got later, as well as a bite or so of the requisite cotton candy we purchased on our way out. Note that in the (very) recent past, I might well have been tempted by either the french fries, the soft pretzels, or cheese pizza, fudge, or, most especially, the 'blooming onion'. Dont' know what the future may bring (since I'm so wishy washy), but for last night at least, I was able to abstain with almost no effort.

And I was relieved to find out I wasn't too fat for the rides either -- which I admit was a teensy small thought in the back of my mind. Dont' know what my weight is at the mo' -- but, based upon how my clothes are fitting, I'm thinking somewhere around 255...? (Note that this blog was originally initiated, nearly two years ago, by my shock at discovering I actually weighed 250 -- my highest ever (at THAT time, sigh) -- though in recent months when I dared to weigh (on the very eve of my period no less -- probably not the best idea) the scale read 2-6-0 (culminating in More Shock - indeed, likely the instigation behind the resurgence of this blog, hello)...).

Bike Hike

2008-07-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

Another epic bike ride with my daughter last night -- riding around town exploring various distant neighborhoods for at least 2.5 hours. And even then it was only the threatening stormy sky that brought us home (just ahead of the rain). Despite the heat, it felt cool riding - the breeze on my skin beating out the heat index somehow I guess.

What is it about cycling? I always adored riding my trusty bike as a kid -- it always felt so freeing, even empowering. And at 41 years of age? It still does. I swear I just can't ever feel blue when I'm on a bike -- something about that feeling of the wind in my face, the scenery flying by. Magical.

I'm so appreciative that I can share this joy with my daughter, and that she adores it as much as I do....

Liking the Biking

2008-07-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

No gym yesterday, though I did take a long and enjoyable bike ride with my 11 year old daughter (despite the heat). We love doing that together whenever we can.

Zip Trip

2008-07-20T06:40:00.001-07:00

Curious this morning, I tried on the size 18 W, LL Bean Wide Leg Jeans (which I've written extensively in the past) to find that they zipped ... WITHOUT LYING DOWN.

(!)

Thank goodness for small victories, eh? Granted they would still be too snug for true comfort, though I'm not wearing them in this blasted heat anyway (I'd still make myself if I had to, as I was unpleasantly forced to earlier this spring) . My one, simple desire... is only to be able to wear them again, relaxably loose (I'm making up words) and comfortable, by cooler weather this coming fall. Surely not overly ambitious? And something I could totally live with.....

Saturday Afternoon

2008-07-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

I did not get to the gym yesterday despite my bestest intentions (and it was my official 'gym-niversary' no less (6 months!), oh well...). I did however today, for 45 minutes on the elliptical, 25 minutes on the treadmill, plus some arm work.

Hadn't done the treadmill in ages, so that was a little different for me, though I'm tempted to start sprinkling in treadmill workouts here and there. When I first joined my gym 6 months ago, the treadmill was all I ever did, because I'd never tried an elliptical before and was quite intimidated. In fact, the whole gym experience overall was a pretty new and intimidating thing for me. I was terribly self conscious at the beginning (despite the fact this is just a very small, no frills gym chain), and it took a good long while before I was truly comfortable running around the joint (so glad I got over it). As for the elliptical, I had to build up my courage to give it a whirl -- once I finally did I actually began favoring it in short order, to the point that it's what I've exclusively been using for the last several months. No doubt however it's a good idea to vary workouts and go back and forth between the two machines. They do feel very different.

I followed my gym visit this afternoon with a very intense 2-hour vegetable gardening and weed pulling session, which involved much bending over, yanking and squatting. Rather sore and exhausted right now -- I think the gardening in the sunny humid inferno just about did me in. But it was very critical, with all the foot-high invaders of the weed variety trying to take over. It's all whipped into shape now, the garden. I even picked my first harvest of the season: 4 very small tomatoes (cherry romas? -- is there such a thing?), a hefty hungarian-style yellow pepper (plus an orphaned, medium-sized green tomato I found that had somehow broken off) -- quite exciting! It all went into the fresh batch of pico-di-gallo I made again tonight (swear I cannot get enough of that stuff).

Technical Nincompoop

2008-07-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, how thick can I possibly be...?

Finally, after a few YEARS of keeping this blog (though admittedly it's been mostly only intermittently. ahem) I finally found for the first time COMMENTS I never even realized I had -- from waaaaay back too. As in years. And I just read them all right now -- for the very first time. Well, well! Hopefully they are all properly unlocked now. Such nice comments too, that deserved responses --although obviously that ship has long since sailed. But thanks to all the nice people for the kind words of encouragement, though I'm certain you are all very, very far away by now....

A shame it took me this long to figure this out. Bummer (and ha, I did often vaguely wonder why I never seemed to get any comments, ever -- not a single one (slapping forehead right now-- very, very hard)....).

'McDougalling'

2008-07-18T07:30:00.001-07:00

Day whatever of my TOM (the tail end at least) and I'm feeling ever so much better. I don't know what the deal is, but at the risk of TMI I swear these days my entire abdominal cavity now gets terribly swollen and sore during The Event. Indeed, the requisite 'cramping' of course -- but also just overall pressure and sensitivity everywhere, all over the place in there, deep inside my bloated guts. And don't even get me started on the Bloating, which as of this morning has only finally subsided (this used to happen the first day, though these days it doesn't until the very last, sigh). Thankfully it's all pretty much over and done with now (for this cycle anyway) -- ready to get back to regularly scheduled LIFE. With any luck, as I continue along this path to health and wellness perhaps I may find some relief from these aggravating symptoms (crosses fingers).

In any case it was with great relief that I felt flatter in tummy this morning upon waking (and I've written previously just how much my moods can be tied up with THAT). Likely thanks to TOM finally simmering down I'm sure -- but also hoping due in part to my healthier eating habits as of late.

Currently as I try to regain control of my runaway food consumption, I've turned yet again to the McDougall Plan, as I have for the past 18 odd years now (have I written about this before? Don't remember...) -- ever since I just happened to attend a live lecture for fun by this particular vegetarian doctor/author I had never heard of before. The year was 1990, or thereabouts. The lecture (about his ultra-lowfat vegan plan) made a quite a huge impression on me at the time -- and still does. It's my security blanket. Though I've never quite been able to make The Plan a completely permanent lifestyle change? (always falling off the wagon at some point, hard --even after following it for years) -- it's always there for me to crawl back to, as I have time and time again.

So, yet AGAIN, I'm regaining control -- by watching the fat intake and the refined sugars and the excess salt. And avoiding the animal products -- not so difficult really, since despite how out of control the nibbling can get for me at times, in these 25 odd years of vegetarianism, I've never gone back to the meat consumption. Never ever -- never even so much as tempted, and never will be. Now the SUGAR, FAT, SALT, PIZZA, and DAIRY is quite another matter entirely -- BUT, at the very least, I've got the No-Meat-of-any-kind thing down pat. Easy-peasy. And really, I need to remind myself that for most people that's half of the battle right there. Not to mention how crazy easy and fulfilling it is to be a vegetarian in the Summer -- with all the bountiful beautiful fresh fruits and veggies at hand, ahhh (for instance, I made a huge batch of fresh pico-di-gallo last night -- just tomatoes, onions (vidalia), cilantro, a pinch of salt, jalepeno (gotta have the jalepeno!), and lime. So good I think I could live on that stuff all summer long. May go have some right now in fact -- to top a baked potato)....

Sweating it out

2008-07-17T20:31:00.001-07:00

Gym again this morning -- 45 minutes on the eliptical (followed by a little free weighting for the arms). I always try very diligently to keep pace with the music on my ipod, at a reasonably challenging resistance. The quantity of sweat produced during these sessions is just amazing -- drenching my shirt and beading on my face, while dripping off it in sheets. A good sign, I should think? Must be doing something right. I always feel energized afterward at any rate.

I ate with care again today -- watching my fats while keeping to the simple and avoiding the refined sugar. I'm sipping unsweetened, iced red tea right now in fact (might have been tempted to sweeten it with a little somethin'-somethin' in the recent past). Plus today being the 4th day of my TOM, I was finally feeling slightly more human than the past several when I was deep in the thick of things (so to speak). Tomorrow should be even better in that regard (I declare, despite my advanced age of 41, the good ole moon time sure doesn't seem to be getting any easier).

Gym Jam

2008-07-16T16:48:00.000-07:00

So I went to the gym this afternoon. Indeed, the gym...!

This certainly is a new addition since I last wrote here the better part of a YEAR ago. I joined my small, reasonably-priced, no-frills gym.., what? Nearly 6 months ago now? Half-a-year already -- I'm liking how that sounds (actually, looking at my calendar, the official 6 month mark will be this friday, the 18th). And I'm very pleased to state that, aside from several out of town outings and a few especially busy weeks here and there that were somewhat more miss than hit, my gym attendance has been steady and regular. Not that difficult to keep up with it really, because I very much enjoy my workouts. Plus I can report that there has been marked improvement in my strength and stamina these past 6 months -- Marked Improvement (all the while I do believe my weight sneakily crept up yet even MORE these last 6 minths (what gives?). But that's for another post)....

Today was 50 minutes on the elliptical -- plus some arm work with weight machines.

Another Day

2008-07-16T07:22:00.000-07:00

Me, again. Indeed, here to once again resurrect this wee, neglected journal.... It's definitely time.

Well, what can I say? Life's a journey, no...?

It has been in the back of my mind for ages, this little blog, whereby I've been Thinking about it and Ruminating upon it and Considering crawling back to begin writing within it once again -- wondering if I was ready for it, and if not, just when might I be. And whether it would help.

I mean certainly, of course I KNOW it helps, journaling absolutely helps -- and yet, I also understand that that is true for myself only if/when my head honestly is in the right place. To truly initiate the necessary changes. Only I knew it wasn't. Not at the time, and possibly not anytime soon. Not while my disordered emotionally-charged overeating was raging out of control again.

So I continued to work on it, all along gently talking to myself, psyching my mind up bit by bit, taking baby steps. Making little bargains with myself. Perusing a few on-topic books. Riding out some hurdles. Getting certain things out of the way. Surfing the web for inspiration. Decluttering. Testing the waters. Experiencing a few false starts.

All this in order to re-establish the mindset necessary to Change, specifically in regards to my disordered overeating. To reign the demons and resume control again -- yes, it takes all of this hullabaloo, for whatever reason. Plus Time. MONTHS of it. Amazing just how long it takes actually. Is it like this for alcoholics, this psyche building process, in order to take the leap to recovery? Drug addicts? Well, at any rate..., finally, finally .... Finally I arrived at that critical juncture whereby I could truly commit again.

I'm ready now -- and happy and relieved to state I've made excellent, health supporting food choices for the last several days, keeping the emotionally disordered, overeating demons at bay ....

Already I'm feeling so much better, and not quite the stranger to myself ....

Testing...

2008-07-13T07:15:00.000-07:00

Stay tuned....

Pizza Torture

2007-10-01T16:02:00.000-07:00

It's Monday, and last Saturday night I was faced with an overeating moment.

We were invited to a friend's for dinner, and she served delicious pizzas. Gulp. Pizza, pizza --how do I love thee? Enough to eat a number of pieces, to the point of feeling overfull. As one of my life-long favorite foods, it really was hard to resist. We don't get it very often, so it felt like a special Treat. There were six of us, and we talked and dined, washing it all down with apple cider.....

But later that night though, oh my goodness. How I suffered. The bloating, the gas, the indigestion. It was a horrible restless night, waking up a number of times to fizzy, gassy, churning innards. I absolutely HATE that feeling --for me it's nothing less than repugnant (remember my low tolerance to feeling uncomfortable? Yeah). Was it the cheese on the pizza -- or the combination of cheese and crust? Something like that. Haven't eaten any cheese since, that's for sure (-- and precious little bread). Not that I eat that much dairy to begin with, but if THAT'S what it's going to do to me -- not worth it...!

So, after my unpleasant evening Saturday, I've been trying to eat very carefully -- sticking to the most healthful, vegetable-based food I can come up with, and avoided anything overly fatty, sugary. wheaty, or processed. So far, so good....

Going for Day 5....

2007-09-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

As irrational as I can be with food a lot of the time, it may come as a surprise to fathom that I do actually have a very strong will power streak within my character, over many things. Even oral or food related things.....

For example, waaaaay back, in college, as the young happenin' hipster I was, I confess I was a casual smoker. Which is very nutty actually, because I couldn't possibly be more of an anti-smoker today. Still, I was young, as were all my hip-happenin' friends. And even though we of course knew better, we would still all go to night clubs, out dancing or to parties or whatever, and just smoke ourselves silly. Puff, puff, puff. Once, after a particularly bad breakup immediately after college, and through the personal crisis fallout that ensued (where I was hell-bent on experimenting with a self-destructive streak), I even did my best to try to actually make it a habit. But nah.... As addictive as the death sticks supposedly are, in my early 20's when I finally made the decision to simply give it up entirely, forever and ever for once and for all as long as I should live on this earth-- it was ridiculously easy for me. Snap! of the fingers. I quit. That was all it took, never looked back. Never smoked again. Never even THOUGHT of smoking again....

Another example, is my vegetarianism. After a decidedly carnivorous childhood (the product of two depression-era farm kids -- meat in some form or fashion being on the table at every single meal), in which I *adored* animal flesh (hamburgers! bacon! T-giving turkey!), I came to realize in my teens what seemed a hypocrisy in my life that couldn't co-exist: my love for animals and my love for consuming their flesh, and never the twain shall meet. I decided the meat had to go -- and indeed while it was a gradual process (giving up first red meat, then white meat, then fish, etc), at some point I decided to go all the way. Which is where I remain today-- never having tasted (intentionally anyway) meat since. In some 20 odd years. And hey, it was that easy for me.....(because please, I'm telling you -- I grew up absolutely LOVING meat in all it's forms)....

Not to mention that I was even vegan for about a decade. That took considerable self resolve, trust me. While I must admit in the last several years I've relaxed on that considerably on that score, mostly for practical reasons (simply found it much too challenging to raise a family that restrictively), I still very much limit the dairy and eggs, even though I surely like the way they taste (in fact I never purchase milk, cheese, yogurt or eggs for home use -- though we occasiaonally may indulge in these things in restaurants or other homes).

Another thing? I have an extremely low tolerance for what I consider feeling bad physically. As in, I don't like pain, I don't like discomfort. Which brings me to... alcoholic beverages. Who doesn't like alcoholic beverages? I adore alcoholic beverages -- wine, beer. Spirits. Martinis. Don't even get me started on the margaritas and mojitos and all that other delectable stuff. Party on! Well, except for the nasty hangover payback (yes, gotta Pay when you Play). A tablespoon of alcohol is enough to make me feel really nasty the day after -- just overall yucky, and being that I have that low tolerance for feeling nasty, my drinking days are well behind me -- were years and years ago actually. I've very rarely indulged in alcohol for the last 15 years. I can look at an alcoholic drink and ask myself, 'is it worth feeling like crap tomorrow?' The answer is generally, 'nope, not worth it', and I move on. I nearly always pass it up -- despite how enjoyable I know it would be in the moment to indulge in a drink or two. Guess that demonstrates some will power as well, wouldn't ya think...?

And yet ANOTHER example. Caffeine. Years ago I figured out that caffeine made me feel bad. Not the actual rush I mean, after a cup of coffee or tea-- who doesn't enjoy that boost of energy? No, as a diuretic substance, I figured out gradually the caffeine was just messing too much with my digestive system, which is sensitive anyway. Personal side effects that I just find intolerable, as in this heinous rebound constipation (see the above high intolerance to feeling yukky factor). So, despite my love of all coffee, coffee drinks, tea, and chai of every kind, out the window they went. All of 'em. I rarely, if ever, consume caffeinated drinks, as yummy as I know them to be. Simply gave it up. Case closed.

Ok, so with all this will power in so many other areas, why the utter lack of self-reserve in the overeating department?

Veddy good question.....

Day 4 (or 5?)

2007-09-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I'll just go ahead and just call it Day 4. At any rate, it was another day of non-disordered eating for me, and of healthy, self-sustaining food choices (very much of the McDougall Plan)-- both in terms of selection, and quantity. Plus I went through the whole day without once feeling like I wanted to unbutton the top button of my jeans due to too much constriction. The size 18's no longer feel like they are slowly bisecting me at the waistline. If nothing else, I'm eternally grateful for that -- because I can't think of a worse damn feeling....

Peace, and Calm....

2007-09-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

Holy cow. Has it really been nearly a year since I've posted here? Really? A wholeYEAR...???

Glad I kept this blog up at any rate, so I could come crawling back when I was ready. And so here I am, a bit bruised and shaken, but standing....

After a relatively laid back spring, where I seemed to be at least holding reasonably steady on the disordered eating front, if not making strides -- something snapped. S-N-A-P-P-E-D. I've since had a many a long month of uncontrolled emotional overeating. Mindless and crazed. Stuffing. Giving in to the demons. What the heck was that??? Out of control and unable to reign myself in, no matter what I tried. Sheesh, I have absolutely ZERO issues with drug and alcohol abuse, but if it is anything like THAT, to be so powerless over Food.... Well, perhaps there really is a parallel and I can personally relate to Addiction after all....

The Shagri-la Diet of the past was a bust obviously. I should have never gotten caught up with that. Why would I still be tempted and get myself trapped with quick-fixes, when after all I've been through you would think I'd know better? Will I never learn?

At any rate, it's taken weeks of self-talk and internal bargaining -- a constant dialog in my head -- but I'm finally trying to fight my way back, and return to Peace and Calm. Today I will be attempting to get through my third or fourth day in a row of non-disordered eating. So far these last few days it really hasn't been so difficult, once I was finally able to get a grip on myself and my psyche, and into the correct frame of mind (man, THAT is the hard part). These last several days have been wonderful gifts of peace and calm to myself --in mind, body and spirit. I have made good, self-sustaining food choices, with no disordered eating. It's such a good and healthful (and hopeful) feeling, and I want (need) it to last -- as long as it possibly can. There really is just no other way. I can't go back to the other -- it's sheer torture.

Doesn't this all sound so dramatic? I can't help it -- it IS dramatic. Nobody reads this anyway. I can write here just for me....

Despite it all, I don't think too TERRIBLY much damage in terms of weight was done, thank goodness. The size 18 jeans still fit. They are TIGHT, yes. But they zip. Not entirely comfortably-- but I can wear them, and have been (though I admit once I get back into the privacy of my own home I am prone to unbuttoning the top button! Already today however, while I sit at the computer typing this I don't feel the need to unbutton. That's how quickly it can happen). I estimate I'm likely somewhere near the dreaded 250 pound mark again -- but hey, at the rate that things were going, it could have been far worse (because the 18's still fit).

I'm just thankful I was able to finally arrest the downward spiral. And I'm praying to keep it up, and to remain in the Peace and Calm -- because I can't go through that mess again.....

test

2007-09-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

testing...stay tuned....

5K, All the Way!

2006-09-30T19:56:00.000-07:00

I did it. This afternoon I did the 5K. Walking, of course. I really gave it my best shot, and feel pretty good about the whole thing. Ok, so it was just a fundraiser, not incredibly competive or anything. Just a nice, family-friendly, fundraising type of event. Even still, I admit the competitor in me did come out, a little. I'm proud to say I was among the faster walkers. Yes, there were a few walkers ahead of me that shot out of there way in the beginning and with whom I never did catch up. But there were a goodly number behind me, that stayed behind me and never passed ME up. The only folks who passed me were runners. And I passed up a number of walkers myself. So yay! Go me!

According to my watch, I think I did the 5K's (how many miles is that? 3.4 or something?) in about 43 minutes. No, that's not going to qualify me for any Olympic medals anytime soon. But goddam, I put the pedal to the medal, baybee -- as much as these 240+ pounds would allow! I barely broke my stride throughout the entire thing -- chug, chug, chugging along, my mp3 player in hand. And it felt really good. No, it felt GREAT! And I have all my walking this summer to thank for it. What a lovely feeling of empowerment. Who cares that I did all that walking all summer long, plus have the will and energy to enter 5K's, and not do so badly in them if I do say so myself -- yet still have not lost a single flippin' pound, BUT IN FACT have conspiculously tight Christmas jeans yet again??? Jeans that just this past spring were considerably more loose BEFORE I had even THOUGHTS of starting my fitness regimine??? And nevermind that Oprah was running full marathons at 40.
Hey, nevermind that, because I walk 5K's with my fat, 40 year old self, Bay-bee!

So, nyah, nyah, nyah...!

In any event, I had a lot of fun today, and intend to enter future 5K's as I find out about them. I'll be a 5K fiend!

Walk Talk

2006-09-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

Still walkie walkie over here. It's been going well, despite starting a part time babysitting gig this past week. Being on call by 8:00 am for childcare duty is putting a little spin to my previous free-and-open-ended morning schedule, but I'm doing my best to fit my walking in, because I'm really enjoying it a lot. In fact, I'm even thinking of signing on for an upcoming 5K run/walk fundraiser. I've never done anything like that before (well, not entirely true -- there was that walk-a-thon in highschool), but it sounds fun -- plus it's for a charity I feel compelled to support. I would just hate to come in last place or something -- although I know it's silly to worry about things like that, since that's certainly not what it's all about. At any rate, the event is scheduled for 9/30, which gives me more time to reflect and decide.

I *am* thinking about it though....

Sweat is Sweet

2006-08-28T08:42:00.002-07:00

Yeah. Still hanging in here....

Just getting back from my walk, and I'm still sweating from it. But it feels good. In fact, it feels grrrr-REAT! Now, after doing this walking routine regularly (5 - 6 days a week) for the last few months? I really am beginning to feel a slightly different level of personal fitness from when I began. I especially felt it this morning. I believe I'm walking faster, and with greater purpose. My thighs, which used to give me the teeniest burn walking up the few, extrememely gentle slight slopes of the walking path, no longer do so. In fact today, I was walking as fast as I could without actually jogging -- when I decided to hell with it, just try jogging a little. Because I felt like it. I actually WANTED to. And I did it! I jogged! Not very fast, far or long --but significantly longer than I would have been able to a few months ago. And I was most pleased that my breathing didn't go through the roof while doing it either, that I was able to keep it steady and comfortable. No gasping for breath or sucking in air! Mind you I've NEVER had much stamina for sports (even when I was thin), so I'm not expecting to go out and run any marathons anytime soon (as in, ever). Still, it's nice to feel I'm taking regular, satisfying steps, if small, toward an improved, healthier physical state of being.

Last week I went camping with my family, and took in a lovely 5 mile nature hike, IN SAND. Hiking in sand? Mercy! That was not an easy 5 miles! I was mightily tired afterwards -- but still not abnormally so, nor was I significantly sore. Probably would have been a different story before starting my walking routine....

The not-so-satisfying news, is that when I weighed myself last week, I was up to 245 again. Figures! Leave it to me to GAIN upon jump starting an exercise routine (and sticking to it). I didn't take it too badly however. I was happy to see at least that it wasn't '250', which, while only a 5 pound difference? Would have been psychologically crushing. Not to mention the fact that the weighing was done in the midst of Menstruation --plus perhaps I can console myself on the ol' 'muscle weighs more than fat' credo. Could that possibly account for an increased pound or two? Who knows. I'm not dwelling on it. Eh, as long as I can stay under the dreaded 250, I do believe I could probably live with myself, knowing that at least I'm *attempting* to get in shape with regular exercise and reasonably healthy eating. Whatever!

Is it really August already???

2006-08-02T05:56:00.001-07:00

Well, hello. Seems I temporarily ditched this blog -- but no, still here, though I am leaving the house in just a few minutes. To EXERCISE. Yes! I jump-started yet another exercise routine in July -- brisk walking in the a.m.'s out at a local path in a lovely nearby park. I'm really enjoying it, despite this horrendous heatwave. In any case I've been managing to walk 5 or 6 times a week. And I swear it's really making a marked difference in my energy level....

My eating? It's taken a step or two backwards this summer I'd wager. I haven't been as on top of it as I was this past spring -- there's been some overeating, some snacking. The good news is that the garden produce is really rolling in now, so I'm desperately eating lots of delicious fresh veggies in order to keep up with the abundance. Namely zucchini, summer squash, cucumbers, onions, basil, and tomatoes. Wonderful. The bad news is that I'm eating copious amounts of the high-cal zucchini bread, right along with the low-cal baked zucchini strips. Plenty 'o rich 'n' fattening basil pesto, in addition to the lean, basil-sprinkled vegetable stir fries. So, here I am exercising regularly yet again, but with sloppy-ish eating patterns -- when before I was eating decently, but with little physical activity.

Wow, can you imagine what might happen if I could just coordinate the two efforts???? (Hmmm. Must. Try.)

In the meantime, I'm just glad I'm back to moving around again. It feels really, really good....

TOM

2006-06-21T11:18:00.000-07:00

It's THAT time again. Yes, indeedy. Don't I sound like a broken record? Is that all I can find to write about these days?? Heh, you would think. But yep, according to my calculations, I'm expecting Uncle TOM'S wife (Aunt Flo) again this weekend already (ALREADY!)-- so consequently I'm mired deep in PreMenstrual, Uncomfortable, Ragingly Hungry, Hormonal, Impulse-Challenged, Thick-Waisted Syndrome Hell on this lovely, hot, solstice day....

I've been eating watermelon. Lots of it. Seems to help....

If it doesn't rain tonight, though lord knows we need it around here, I'm going to try to get out of the house and move my body around in some semblance of exercise-like activity. Because, despite the oppressive heat and humidity, I desperately need it....

Carry on....

Weird

2006-06-12T10:58:00.001-07:00

Ok. Against my better judgement, I weighed myself at my folks' last night. I could hardly believe my eyes.... 239. I felt compelled to repeat stepping on the scale a few times, just to be sure. How, I ask you, how can I be FEELING thinner, my pants fitting looser, my ring easier to slide on and off, my hip bones emerging when I lie on my back in bed -- how can I then be weighing HEAVIER according to the scale???? And don't give me the ol' 'muscle weighs more than fat' excuse, because I have'nt BEEN doing muscle-building exercise to speak of (actually outside of gardening and housework, barely any exercise at all lately). Gah...!

I hope I've learned my lesson finally. Scale Shmale -- just stay the hell away from it....

Hormone Hell

2006-06-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

Still alive and kicking. On the nondisordered eating front, things are going well again -- although I was feeling like I hit a bump in the road there for a bit. My period really hit me hard this time around. I don't know what's up -- but my cycles have been getting increasingly unpleasant and difficult. Not just my actual menstruation, but the whole week of pms time before it too. It's really quite miserable actually. The physical AND psychological symptoms. The bloating, constipation, fatigue, breast pain, hunger, malaise, swelling, mood swings, not to mention the classic cramping and heavy blood loss et al of the actual event. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. But I just didn't feel like myself at all this last time, for nearly two WHOLE weeks. And here I am in the middle of my cycle already -- ready to charge up again. Yuk....

When I'm in the middle of it all that turbulent hormonal flux, I must say it's a lot more challenging to keep my emotions in check and impulses under control. There were a few days there where I really thought I was losing it. I was eating more than I had been, and with a markedly increased appetite. Everything seemed irresistable --despite continuing on with the shangri-la method, which I'd previously thought to be working well for me. That felt discouraging. And I made the big mistake of weighing myself in the middle of it all -- 238 pounds. No gain, but no loss either -- and became dismayed by that, in spite of myself. My pants were feeling tighter again too, and my waist thicker -- which had me in a small panic (never mind that that's a typical menstrual symptom -- how long have I been menstruating??? After nearly 30 years I should know better by now). I obviously continue to harbor a secret terror of reverting back to my disordered ways of eating, that kept me in perpetual misery for so many years. But, that last hormonal storm passed, and I'm now on even keel again. My pants are again loose, and my waist back to normal. The shangri-la method again seems effective, thank goodness. My eating remains non-disordered at this time.....

Of course, my marriage is a mess right now -- but that's a whole 'nother story....

Shangri-la Di Dah

2006-05-26T07:22:00.001-07:00

So, I've still been managing to stay the course of non-disordered eating. No snacking at all to speak of. I declare, the Shangri-la diet is helping considerably with that. Except yesterday, when I felt a strong craving for sweets for the first time in awhile. Plus, I was hungry for, and consumed, three very square meals. I was a slilghtly taken aback -- until I remembered what time of the month it is. Yep. PMS tme rolling around again already --always, ALWAYS a 'munchy' time for me, no matter what. As in always feeling like I could eat a horse (or a horse-sized/shaped block of tofu that is). The good news is that despite being hungrier yesterday than I've become accustomed to lately, I did much better than I usually do -- with the no snacking. We'll see how it goes today. Typically the appetite shuts off the moment menstruation starts (like, probably in a day or two? Or three?), and I don't see why this month should be any exception....

Monday Musings

2006-05-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

Yay, it's Monday, and I have my life back again. Big project over with, whew....

I'm happy to report that I have been continuing to avoid the disordered eating. However, it is getting on to be that lovely PMS time again -- always a test for my resolve.

I admit that I did have a slight brush with disorder last Friday night, after I attended a party. It was a very nice party, with offerings of expensive imported beer. Oh dear -- how partial am I to expensive imported beer. I rarely indulge, but here it was staring me in the face -- free alcohol. Free EXPENSIVE alcohol. I had 1 1/2 bottles, definitely enough to make me feel the effects. I came home from the party at 1:30 a.m. -- ravenous. I think it was the brew. I was starved, or in my impairment THOUGHT I was anyway -- and came home and raided the fridge. Happily, since the pickings were VERY slim there wasn't much to raid. So not much damage as a result. I will have to watch the alcohol connection in the future though -- if it wasn't for the party and the beer, I would have been in bed hours earlier and would never have even given food or eating another thought....

I'm still applying the Shangri-la Diet principles into my daily life. And I really do believe it is helping with appetite control. It still feels a little ...'funny' -- but, at least I've read the book now, grabbing it at the bookstore the other day, and have a good understading of the theory behind it all. It's easy enough to do, and honestly seems effective so far. I haven't weighed myself in awhile now, but my clothes (the previously too-tight X-mas Jeans in particular) are feeling pleasantly comfortable these days.

Something Old, Something New

2006-05-17T06:20:00.000-07:00

It's one of those uber busy weeks around here, while my family is involved in a big project. There is light at the end of the tunnel though -- after this weekend things will slow down around here considerably.....

There are benefits to the heightened activity level however -- it's been easy enough to keep my food consumption out of the nondisordered range. I believe eating for me was a boredom activity a lot of the time in the past.

Aside from a little overeating of the delicious fare at a Mom's Day picnic last Sunday, I'd say I fell I've been doing pretty well sticking to my new habits of not snacking, and avoiding disordered eating. And the previously unwearably tight X-mas jeans? They are spot-on comfy now -- fitting Just Right (if not even slightly loose. w00t!)....

I have tried something new this week though, just for fun. In my online surfing recently, I stumbled across talk of the Shangri-la Diet. It sounded more than a little counter-intuitive to me, and I was ready to dismiss it all out of hand as yet another ridiculous weight-loss fad, or even an elaborate hoax. And besides, wasn't I through with all that 'dieting' b.s?. But, reading further, the theory behind it sounded intriguing, if a little ... hokey. Hey, I'm a natural-born skeptic. But, the principles of the 'diet' (though it's not really a 'diet' per se) seemsed so simple and cheap to apply I figured it couldn't possibly hurt to give it a go for at least for a little while, just out of curiosity if nothing else. The two-hour window of flavorless eating -- easy enough to incorporate into my day, since I've cut out snacking between meals anyway. It's been about 6 days now -- and I'd have to say, while I dont' yet notice a hugely dramatic difference, as some people report, there do seem to be subtle changes. I'm feeling full faster, on less food. But I don't know if it is the diet, my nerves with all the recent activity, wishful thinking, or what -- still, it is a significant and encouraging change, since I was still finding myself overeating at individual meals sometimes (like at special occasions, and eating out, or letting myself get to hungry, etc). I intend to give it more time to see how things progress.

Tuesday Today

2006-05-09T18:21:00.000-07:00

My internet connection has been quite spotty and difficult lately. Some days I haven't been able to get online at all. Don't know what's up with that exactly, except that it's annoying. Though I've probably been too busy to post much anyway...

Marriage is in trouble. At least my eating remains, for the most part, nondisordered. I did overindulge at two recent restaurant meals -- that is to say, I left both establishments feeling a bit uncomfortably full. Both times I hadn't had much to eat during the day, and I expect I let myself get too hungry. Need to watch that -- and to remember to consciously listen more closely to my body's signals, as well as to stop thinking that eating out (which I so rarely do) is automatically some sort of celebratory occasion and a licence to overeat. Otherwise? The snacking issues that have plagued me for years still seem very much under control. Thank heaven for that....

Grateful

2006-05-03T19:25:00.000-07:00

Weighed myself yesterday. 238. So very thankful and appreciative to see those numbers.....

Boring Background Information, Part III

2006-05-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

Yay. I can actually coax my wedding ring off without soaping up within an inch of my life, and nearly taking my finger off in the process. That's no small consequence. Considering that I weighed somewhere around 145 pounds on my wedding day --nearly 100 pounds LESS than my current weight almost 15 years later? Eh, it's probably quite amazing I can actually still wear the thing at all....

So how did I manage to pack on so many excess pounts? What HAPPENED between then and now?

Well, for one thing -- babies.

Which leads me to .... Boring Background Information, Part III...

(Oops, sorry for the tease -- gotta go for now, will continue later)

May Day

2006-05-01T17:40:00.001-07:00

Happy May Day all...!

So far, another day of freedom from disordered eating for me. Still have dinner to go, prepared and baking in the oven as it is, but color me unconcerned. My visit from "Aunt Flo" is imminent, in fact I think she's pretty much knocking at the door as I type-- so my appetite has characteristicly switched to low gear, as it usually does at this TOM. I will say that the oldish pair of stetched-out, size 18, LLBean, Women's Wide Leg jeans that I'm wearing right now? They are l-o-o-s-e. That's not saying a tremedous lot, since they are old and stretched out in their natural state anyway. But they do seem significantly baggier. And you'll find no complaining from me.

Yuk

2006-04-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

Another busy, chaotic weekend around here, making me anxious and tired. The dreary, damp/cold weather doesn't help either. Nor does being in the throes of PMS. Actually, I'd like very much to go dig a hole somewhere and hibernate right now....

My appetite was weird yesterday too. I was literally hungry all day, but had a hard time finding anything that I was really interested in eating. Nothing sounded quite right. When I did eat what seemed a reasonable meal or snack (like a homemade, spinach/tofu--filled steamed bun for example), I was STILL gnawingly hungry. And I felt cravings for sweets too -- which I tried to satisfy with several pieces of fruit throughout the day. I have heard that women's bodies actually burn more calories during this premenstrual time of the month -- perhaps that has something to do with it??? At any rate, it's a good thing I wasn't home most of the day or I might have had quite the temptation to forage for munchables in the kitchen....

This morning there were all kinds of goodies at church when I dropped the kids off -- sweet breads, pastries, muffins etc, etc (the leftovers of some sort of event last night). Happily, I wasn't temped by any of it -- despite my sweet tooth yesterday.

Holy Guacamole

2006-04-28T05:26:00.000-07:00

So I went to the little event last night, and it was pleasant enough. I ended up not wearing the black jeans, because I just couldn't come up with a suitable top to pair with them that I felt truly comfortable in. The only top I really wanted to wear was my favorite -- a long, slightly A-line, v-neck, black, very thinly knit sweater, and though I still love wearing black (ex goth from 20 years ago that I am), black on black is, even for me, just too much black for daylight hours. I ended up wearing my new (x-mas) faded blue jeans instead (that FIT -- wooh!). Because I know myself well enough to understand that I'm much better off erring on the slightly casual side, and NOT feeling fat -- versus looking less casual, but feeling Fat.... Does that make sense?

But oh, my favorite sweater. Wish I had one in every color. It suits my body shape Just Right. It fits Exactly So. That's not easy to find with my long torso action. But, I picked it up second hand at a charity sale a few years back. Who knows where it came from originally. If only I could knit with any proficiency (I'm terrible at it, and not for lack of trying) -- I'd whip out about 15 of them....

The spread last night was delightful. There was guacamole, and salsa. A cheese and veggie tray. There were grapes. There were the most beautiful chocolate-covered strawberries. Sushi (a good portion of it vegetarian I was very happy to see), and a lovely assortment of desserts. And wine ( I savored my half-glass). I left for home feeling a l-i-t-t-l-e full. Was I disordered? Well, as I predicited, it did turn out to be my dinner, plus I was busy all day and had had hardly any lunch. Mostly I was snarfing the veg sushi, and the guacamole (scooping it up more with the veggies than the chips, which were thin and breaky). And grapes. A little cheese. I had one covered strawberry (I'd chosen the white chocolate -- but the covering looked yummier than it tasted, so I cracked it off and ate the berry plain). It's funny how I'm not really all that into desserts, considering that I have what I still classify as a sweet tooth (it never occurs to me to order desserts at restaurants, for example). Out of all the lovely eclairs, petit fors, cannolis, and cakes -- I selected one very small little, unidentified puffy thing. It turned out to be coffee-flavored mousse, or something? -- well, I like coffee fine enough, but I guess it wasn't what I was in the mood for. So I left most of it. But when it comes to sushi and guac? --Hey, I'll wrestle you to the GROUND, Sistah...!

Clothing Challenged

2006-04-27T05:56:00.000-07:00

I have a semi-elegant event to attend tonight, as I do every year at this time. It's really not a terribly big deal, but my usual clothing of choice, to the tune of old jeans, t-shirts, and birkenstock sandals, definitely wont cut it. In other words, I'll have to come up with something decent to wear. And being the introverted SAHM-type that I am, I don't have a whole lot of occasions for which I actually have to do this, so I don't have a big selection 'nice' clothes in my personal wardrobe. I achingly remember those care-free days of throwing on some soft, breezy, spring hippie skirt (one of the multitude that I owned), a cute top, maybe a light sweater over my shoulders, a smattering of jewelery, and I was set. But it's not that easy anymore. Those soft breezy skirts that I once loved to wear, and were so flattering, look more or less like billowing tents on me today. I hate shopping and rarely do it -- and when I do FORCE myself to do it, it's generally without any real plan (plus I often grab stuff willy nilly at garage and charity sales), so all I end up with is a lot of mismatched, noncoordinating seperates to work with....

So, I'll need to see what I can come up with. One option may very well be the infamous X-mas jeans that I can FINALLY FIT INTO VERY COMFORTABLY. They are brand new, and very black. You see, there were actually two pairs of X-mas non-fitting, LLBean, size 18, wide leg jeans that I was struggling with -- a black pair, and a 'faded' pair. I've been focusing on the faded pair -- but the black pair, which I'm wearing this morning for the very first time, are just as fit-able now (squee). Paired with an ok top, and something other than Birk's or sneakers for footwear -- perhaps I can get by with wearing them since they are so new (and thus so very black)....

Tonight's event will feature, as I know from experience, a nice reception with wine and a respecatable spread of hors d'oeuvres. There will be crackers and cheeses, meat-type stuff (yuk), salsa/chips/guacamole (yum), and a huge pile of extremely irresistably-lovely and decorative petite fors. The time will be between 5:00 and 7:00 -- so this will mostly likely simply turn out to be my dinner (I'm going solo -- the others will be at my son's soccer game that, sadly, I'll have to miss). I shall be tempted by the wine (free alcohol!), and maybe even dare to sample a little (have to be very careful with that though -- because even at my size and weight, my tolerance is laughably low). In any event, I'll be keeping these plans in the back of my mind as I try to get through yet another day of eating as non-disordered as possible....

Quantities of Quality

2006-04-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

For the record, I didn't snack and pick at those leftovers last night.....

Yes, I am most certainly indeed heading in the direction of Premenstruation, and, well, it's never a fun time for me. In the past, I've had success managing the symptoms (physical AND emotional) with regular very rigorous and sustained exercise -- HOWEVER, I just don't have it in me at the mo. Instead, I'll stick to my sporadic light exercise, reasonably healthful eating, making a point of drinking lots of water, and maybe... just maybe go easy on the salt intake while I'm at it...

Because I do, I believe, have the whole healthy diet thing pretty down. And have for years. I'm more or less what you'd call a hippie cook, with a whole foods palate. Crunchy granola, Baybee. No, I'm no saint. It's just that ever since my introduction to Dr. McDougall's program some 15 years ago? -- it's a habit I just can't shake. As a SAHM, I'm the primary shopper and cook in the family -- the others are my captives, ha ha! Actually, they are so used to my cooking and are such good eaters I get very few complaints.

We rarely eat out. Instead, following in my mother's footsteps, I prepare most of our food at home, from scratch. It's so very much cheaper-- and hey, being the one-income family that we are, that's nothing to sneeze at. I'm always trying to economize one way or another. As vegetarians, our meals are planned around veggies, beans (dried beans over canned most of the time -- more economical), whole grains, tofu and tempeh, seitan, and occasionally those commercially available vegetarian meat-like substitutes (they're expensive though, so we don't indulge too often). I've become proficient over the years at many ethnic dishes -- nori rolls, curries, stir fries, hummous, etc. But I've also had lots of practice making classic American comfort food, but with a vegetarian twist -- homemade barbecued seitan 'ribs' for instance, shepherd's pie, 'meat'less loaf and tofu cheesecake ....

I have two slow-cookers, and two pressure cookers (three, if you count the canner), and put them into near constant use. A bread machine too. Plus a Vitamix. Love my kitchen appliances. And serve me well they do.

I purchase relatively few convenience food items for my home pantry, but confess I do make some exceptions -- for those uber busy nights we often have around here, when everyone is either coming and going in or out the door. Jarred spaghetti sauce, for example, is a true time saver for me (I do make and can my own spaghetti sauce, plus salsa and chili sauce-- last year was a terrible year for tomatoes in these parts, unfortunately). Canned stewed tomatoes are handy as well, among other things. I wish I could say that I only purchase the organic stuff -- but alas, I don't (can't quite reconcile the expense unless there is some exceptional sale going on -- then I've been known to stock up). There's also this brand of frozen pirogis, way cheap, that I resort to from time to time. Packaged frozen veggies have their place in my freezer, some canned veggies on my shelves. Cheap, 5-pound bags of store-brand frozen french fries??? Check. (they're especially good with veggie burgers on sprouted wheat buns). Heck, I'll even pick up a box or two of cake mix, when I find an especially good sale -- to mix them with canned pumpkin for 'muffins' (you know, that old WW trick?) for days when the kids have buddies over and I need to make a quick snack for a demanding crowd. For the most part though, I do my own baking, reading labels and generally avoiding purchasing items with added corn syrup, trans fats, MSG, excessive amounts of unpronouceable ingredients and artificial crap, etc etc....

I'll buy ww pasta when I find a good price -- but often do resort to the white stuff (hub and kids' general preference). Still, my pasta sauces, salads, soups, and tosses are always loaded with abundant added veggies. I only buy ww couscous though -- and ONLY brown rice ever (plus quinoa, bulgher and kasha).

I only purchase natural-style peanut and nut butters -- and stick to the natural jams, or make my own....

We love fruit, and mostly just eat it fresh. We buy big boxes of Florida grapefruits and oranges in the winter-- and savor them. We go to near-by u-pick farms for blueberries and strawberries in the spring and summer, and purchase local apples in the fall....

I went caffein-free years ago -- preferring today herbal teas (currently I'm really into red tea at the moment, or rooibus). I will put a little honey or sugar in my tea from time to time -- because I'm wary of artifitial sweetners. I might drink pop like once or twice a year-- and I never purchase it for our home. We make our own cold, fizzy drinks in the summertime -- mixing 100 % juice conentrate with bottled fizzy water, and plenty of ice... (As for alcohol? Love wine and beer, but rarely indulge)...

Candy is certainly not unknown in my house, but it's typically a rare treat, saved for birthdays and holidays and the like. And while I'm not one to utterly refrain, happily it's not something I truly go nuts over (actually, nuts are something I can kind of go nuts over)....

We are no longer a strict vegan family (as we once were in our early marriage -- that has relaxed considerably), but I still don't purchase eggs and dairy for home use (although I will make a very occasional rare exception for locally made goat cheese). We might have those things outside the home (cheese on pizza for instance, ice cream at birthday parties), and it might be a 'hidden ingredient' in some of the food items I purchase -- whey in crackers, egg yolk in wonton wrappers, dairy in salad dressing, for example -- but otherwise, no. There are never exceptions for meat....

I do admit I have aquired the taste for rich tofu and tahini and nut-based dishes and sauces -- these are healthy alternatives to dairy-based dishes, but there's still a lot of fat there to contend with. I've also developed a huge liking to soy sauce, tamari, Bragg's Liquid Aminos, and Japanese Ume Plum Vinegar -- all terribly salty. I've been guilty of sprinkling a little onto nearly anything I eat. It becomes almost an addiction, because once you get used to it, then foods without it seems bland. I am currently trying to curb this unhealthy habit though....

I bake nearly all our bread (the bread machine is an enormous help with that these days), buns, and pizza crusts. Heck, I even grind my own flour, in my little kitchen counter top grain mill. Hello! Furthermore, as mentioned, I garden -- canning, freezing, and pickling the bounty. And did someone mention Granola??? -- as cliche as it sounds, I really do regularly make granola (purchasing breakfast cereal only in-between batches) for my family, in all it's tooth-breakingly crunchy wholesomeness (which, ironically, I don't even EAT)....

Ok, so with all these reasonably healthy food choices, how did I get so freaking fat???? Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Something I've been asking myself for years now. Used it as a crutch in fact.

Calories, calories, my friend. As it turns out, eating too much of the brown rice stir-fry? It's truly no better than eating too much of the twinkies, fatistically speaking........

Over and Out...

2006-04-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, I made a dinner this evening that was really quite good -- a favorite around here. The leftovers are all packed away in the fridge -- and actually, I wouldn't mind at all 'picking' at them right now. But I'm not going to do that. Right...?

Off for a long walk....

2006-04-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

Zoinks. I was just looking in the mirror -- just a perfunctory glance to straighten my hair as I'm about to leave the house. And it struck me, as I stole a glimpse, that I think my face looks slightly thinner. Ay Carumba!

Monday, monday .....

2006-04-24T06:23:00.000-07:00

Another weekend of non-disordered eating, for which I am very grateful. It was a uber-busy one to be sure, but I feel calm and relaxed this Monday morning....

My kids had their piano recital yesterday afternoon. They'd worked hard practicing for it, and I was proud of them for marching up there and playing in front of everybody. They're far braver than I. I've always despised that sort of thing -- and still do, avoiding anything that smacks of public speaking/performing (shudder). I guess you would call me shy. Happily, my kids do not seem to have inherited the same trait.

After the recital, there was a small reception, complete with juice, pop, cookies and goodies. I had a bit of juice and two cookies. It all felt very 'normal'. Because I was busy, I hadn't eaten much lunch, so I was slightly hungry (we'd also just come from my kids' musical rehearsal earlier in the afternoon, where brownies and treats were offered during a break, and I declined since I wasn't particularly interested at the time. Plus I figured there'd proabably be stuff at the recital anyway). Immediately after the recital, I went on a grocery shopping errand and, because of my cookie snack I guess, wasn't tempted to buy more than I needed, or stuff I wouldn't ordinarily get, due to an empty and demanding stomach. Then, later in the evening, I ate a light dinner, listening to my body and stopping when I'd had enough.

Needless to say, it could have been (and HAS been) quite different. In my former food-preoccupied mindset, I most likely would have had a substantial lunch of some kind yesterday (following a substantial breakfast) whether I was hungry or not, and no matter how busy (because it would be Lunch Time, and one eats Lunch at Lunch Time, right?). I would probably have made a point of sampling the brownies at the musical rehearsal (brownies!), and probably still would have been tempted by more than just the two cookies at the recital ('hey, free food!'), and despite having had the brownies, etc at the earlier event. I most likely would have felt inclined to purchase something other than just the basics at the store, AND ...would probably have followed it all up with another substantial dinner at Dinner Time. Gads....

Sweet freedom....

Downward Trend?

2006-04-23T16:59:00.001-07:00

Stepped on a scale again today. Not that I want to get in the habit of that, but I had access to my parent's yet again, and couldn't resist. It read (drumroll please):.... 240....

Jean Queen

2006-04-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

This morning I am wearing The Jeans -- the x-mas ones (LLBean, Size 18, Wide leg, Women's) that did not fit me until now. I'm sitting in them, and they do not cut off my circulation! Yeah!

Yesterday, I felt the faintest stirrings of wanting to 'snack' a bit, or graze, for the first time in a long while. I'd had my breakfast, I'd had lunch -- but still felt that old familiar feeling of just wanting to 'piece' around in the kitchen a bit more, to open the refridgerator, peer into the cabinets. It wasn't a real strong impulse, just a small one. But I did feel the tiniest flickers of it. And I'm not sure why either. There wasn't any particular 'trigger' that I could think of. A busy morning and day, yes -- but nothing that I'm not used to, what with as busy and active a family as mine. It did occur to me that I'm pretty much in the middle of my menstrual cycle. I have no idea if that has a thing at all to do with anything -- although I do think I've noticed subtle changes in appetite/snackiness according to where I am in my moon time (you too?). Perhaps it would be a good idea to keep track of the feelings vs. the calendar, to see if I recognize some sort of pattern. At any rate, it felt sort of like, "Danger, danger, Will Robinson!". I admit I feel very protective of my young and fragile 'sobriety'. VERY protective. Falling off the wagon somehow and going back to food slavery would surely do me in, I swear. I refuse to return to that crazy emotional/compulsive eating lifestyle....

My solution was to simply leave the house -- it was a gorgeous day and my garden was calling me. I rent a small plot at a community garden in a nearby park, and hadn't touched it yet this spring due to lack of time. Well, I made up for that, spending hours and hours out there yesterday afternoon. I chopped and shaped, spaded and hoed, turning patch upon patch of dirt -- very physical, and very, very tiring. Whew. I'm sore! But what great exercise -- can't be beat. And now my garden beds are mostly ready for planting -- my next step, as soon as I can get to it. We are an all-vegetable loving, vegetarian family around here, my husband and kids too. We love our veggies, and we love our fruits. I can hardly wait for our little garden to start producing the good stuff (although that will still be awhile though, sigh).....

Boring Background Information, Part Two....

2006-04-20T23:04:00.000-07:00

As I attempt to get through each day of eating as nondisordered as possible, I try to take a bit of time for self-examination and reflection -- of where I've been, and where' I'm goin'. It's really become a necessity for me in this process, and my journal here has become I believe a very important and intergral tool in my journey. I need to find and rely on more productive coping strategies than turning to food. And I'm grateful that I do enjoy writing, and have access to this outlet (I only wish I could figure out how to use the spell check feature. Oh well. C'est la vie)...

On that note, I mean to continue a previous entry I posted, several entries down: 'Boring Background Information, Part One'...

As I've stated, I began my dieting odyssey at the tender age of 11 years. What a tumultous time that was--6th grade. The hormones began to surge, the hair and skin got oily, and I became painfully self aware. Like, overnight. Until that time, as with most young children, I wasn't particularly self-conscious -- but suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was geeky, and tall. My posture was terrible. I wore glasses. And I weighed more than most of my peers, not a lot more, but enough -- and I began really processing this for the first time. And in secret, I decided to do something about it.

My sister is 7 or so years older than me, and by that age was already a dieting veteran herself, and a very vocal one at that, so I knew *exactly* what I needed to do. I simply made a conscious effort to eat less. My beloved hot school lunches? I resolved to consume only one food item off my tray daily. That might be just the entree perhaps, or it might be just the vegetable, or maybe even just the dessert -- but every day I chose my one thing. For the first time, classmates were eating the leftover food off MY plate. I also made a point of stepping up my activity. Never gifted with athletic skills, I nonetheless joined the softball team many of my friends played on (though I was truly pitiful, and pretty much hated every second of it). I rode my bike everywhere. I climbed incredibly high up in my treehouse tree -- a beautiful old hard maple taller than my 2-story home. I found special 'spot reducing' exercises in my mom's 'Women's Day' magazines to do. I also became interested in music and dance --dancing for hours by myself in my room to my records, in what I imagined to be in the ballet or jazz style. I was also determined to work on my flexibility, and before long could do the splits and put my head to my knees. All excess weight shed quickly, and I became... lanky.

I've always had a large frame, coming from hearty peasant stock as I do. My hands and feet are big, and my bones broad. At 5'-7", I wear a size 11 shoe. My 5'-10" husband and I can easily swap footwear (and frequently do). I don't remember exactly my height at age 11 or 12 (probably in the area of 5'-3"ish?), but I do remember the number '117' on the scale. I recall that no amount of dieting and exercise could get me below that number, no matter what I tried. And I did try. It was like a game, watching the scale go down. But it's as though my body simply refused to go below 117 pounds....

My hips were wide, even then, and my waist miniscule. Without the extra flesh, my hip bones jutted out like cleavers. I had an accident once, ol' klutzy me, where I fell on my face ice-skating. Actually, it must have been my hip bone that made contact with the hard surface first, perhaps even chipping it or something, because the bruise it left was incredible -- the size of a dinner plate, and rainbow hued, but in concentric circles --with my hip bone the 'bull's eye'. Kinda cool actually....

My weight went up correspondingly as I grew a few more inches, and I did go back to more normal eating at some point -- still, I remained averagely slim for a number of years. And I continued to stay active -- I either walked or rode my bike anywhere I needed to go, and roller skated, ice skated, or went sledding with my friends nearly every weekend. At some point in my 8th grade year, several of my closest pals got it in their heads to try out for cheerleading. I went along with it, though I had my doubts. I was not at all cheerleading material with my introvert self, and deep down I knew it. Still, I threw myself into preparing for the tryouts, spending hours every day in my backyard, practicing my splits and cheers and cartwheels. I got pretty good at a several of the jumps - including the jumping toe touch, a la David Lee Roth (I'm totally dating myself here --does anyone even know who that is anymore?). In the end, to my general relief, not one of us made the team.

At 15 I had my first Serious Boyfriend. A year older, he was angsty, artistic and moody -- in fact, he could probably have been diagnosed as manic depressive, and in time I think he actually was diagnosed. He was also very intense, jealous, and possessive --but all of this was lost on me, because of course I was In Love (insert big puffy heart here). He also slobbered relentlessly over me sexually for the year and one month we dated, for which I wasn't entirely prepared. I do recall being a willing and able participant at first, but he eventually became so demanding and all-consuming and freakish about it that it was really quite repellant. Happily, except for at least two very brief occasions (which to me didn't 'count') we always stopped short of actual intercourse. Thank god. Still, he was all over me, all the time. Ick. Finally I was so sick to death of him and his errant ways that I was ready to get him out of my face. And life. I tried to break it off gently at first, but he refused to let go. So I attempted to get increasingly firmer with him, until at last things got very ugly indeed. He harrassed me, stalking me everywhere. He'd call incessantly, and hang up. I felt like a trapped animal. This all culminated in a huge cat fight in the middle of my high school, last-period art class -- both of us covered in the paint we were throwing at each other, him pinning me down and me kicking and sreaming and scratching the bloody hell out of his face. What a scene that must have been. At any rate, he was suspended from school, and never bothered me again after that.

It was shortly after this that I recall going on another serious diet -- living on cottage cheese and celery/carrot sticks, because that was surely classic diet food. My hip bones began sticking out again. But, I refused to wear shorts....

My senior year of high school, I hooked up with another boy, two years older and already in college. By this time I was maybe around 135 pounds, which, for my height and frame is still pretty slender. I was much in love, and it seemed prudent at the time to perhaps get on birth control pills, as a precautionary measure. I took them for a little while, but was taken very aback when my weight suddenly shot up 10 pounds, while my libido took a nose dive. WTH? Even after discontinuing the pills, neither ever quite went back to their previous levels....

Somewhere in here I decided I loved animals too much to eat them, and began experimenting with vegetarianism.

The summer before college I worked as an intern at a local company. I remember chatting with the secretary, somehow straying onto the topic of food, and confessing to her that I could eat a LOT. She asked me how I stayed so thin. I remember my utter surprise to that comment, my mouth dropping open, and my own response. "But I'm not thin!", I insisted. Sheesh, couldn't she SEE that????

Oh, college. It was a blur of crash dieting and self-loathing. My weight yo-yo'd constantly between 145-160. I thought I was the fattest, most hideous person in town. My self-abuse knew no bounds. I was body-dysmorphic, or whatever it's called -- actually seeing fat where there wasn't any, or at least not nearly as much as I was thinking I was seeing. I was a slave to the scale, weighing myself about every two seconds. I'd go days without eating hardly anything, then get so hungry I couldn't stop fantasizing about food. Then I'd eat quantities of something crappy, with guilt. A date, a test, spring break -- anything was an excuse to jump-start yet another crash diet. There was also the general stress of school. I joined a gym, lifted weights and did aerobics. I took diet pills, and did a lot of social smoking and drinking. This was around the time I stopped wearing pants in favor of dresses and skirts. I went Goth -- wearing big hair, gobs of make-up, and black all the time. This was also the time I began flirting with Bulimia, and laxative abuse -- for which I believe I still suffer lasting effects (as in permanant damage to my digestive system. Nice). I hate to think of the punishment I put my poor body through. My soul too. What a mess. A MESS. And all so unneccessary -- I wasn't that fat! But my head was. It was a very dark period indeed.

Somewhere around this time, hopelessly mired in my obsessions, I also joined a few diet centers, including WW. Only the WW of Then was very different of the WW of Now. They told you what to eat then. Plus they had no idea what to the heck to do with my vegetarianism. Those were the days of Tuna. But I didn't eat tuna -- so, they suggested I substitute with great northen white beans. So everyday I'd eat my little measured scoop of white beans, out of a can, with my green salad, or whatever. Then it was off to Jazzercise class....

About a year after graduation, I moved to the big city to join my college boyfriend. We were discussing marriage. My emotions stabilized somewhat, but I was still prone to dieting abuse and still thought I was hugely fat, when the truth of the matter was that I had a fine, strong and average, body. It's so ironic and terribly sad that I couldn't appreciate it while I had it! (I'm not the only one though -- I've read this same experience over and over in other womens' blogs. What a tradgedy...)...

My timing wasn't perfect -- I moved to the city smack in the middle of a the big economic recession of the late 80's/early 90's. Jobs were scarce, and my finances shaky. I was homesick and depressed. My boyfriend broke up with me, throwing me into a tail spin. My weight creeped up to 165 - 175, or so. That was totally unacceptable. It was winter, and I was scared, insecure, unemployed and unhappy. It was around this time that I attended a free lecture given by Dr. John McDougall, the low-fat, high-carb, strictly whole foods vegan diet guru. Impressed with his teachings, I went on to read all his books. They were soundly scientific, affirming, and spoke to me. I looked upon the McDougall Plan as an opportunity to heal what clearly were my many 'issues' -- with food, with the scale, with my emotions, my health, my war with myself. New Year's Eve of 1991, I made to the resolution to go 'McDougall', all the way. I was vegetarian already, had even experimented years ago with the Diamond's 'Fit For Life' whole-foods program, so it wasn't totally a foreign concept for me -- besides, I was poor as hell and could afford little more than rice, potatoes, lentils, pasta, and onions anyway....

Spring came, and my outlook improved considerably. I finally found employment, working two jobs to make up for lost time. I had no car, so I walked a ton, just to get around, and took public transportation everywhere. I was eating very nutritiously, and felt healthy. And I'd lost weight, following my strict vegan, uber-healthy, low-fat, high-fiber diet. A LOT of weight. But I wasn't sure exactly how much. To wean myself from my dependance on the scale, I went cold turkey when I began the new program, and purposely quit weighing myself, because I didn't want to get caught in that horrible cycle of self-destruction anymore. I did know that my clothes were hanging off of me though.

I was rebounding from a number of things -- depression, isolation, economic insecurity. My break up, my break down. Spring in the big city, my first, was lovely that year. I felt fit and attractive. I was full of optimism and cheer. At one of my two jobs, I met a fellow worker, and we began dating. A whirlwind romance, we were in fact married a mere four months later...

That was nearly 15 years ago now.

To be continued...

Let's Get Physical...

2006-04-20T14:50:00.000-07:00

I'm off to take a walk, a pretty long one too, as I go to catch up with the rest of my family out at the youth soccer fields. Now that the weather is soo beautiful here, I'm looking forward to incorporating more activity into my daily life after a sorely exercise-starved winter. I'll be doing more walking and lots of gardening. Hanging laundry on the line. Spring cleaning. Yard work.

I do have a long history of jump-starting highly ambitious exercise programs that start off with a bang, keeping up with them for months or more, pushing myself, before gradually finding myself dropping off because they don't prove to be sustainable for the long-term. It typically tapers off almost imperceptibly -- but little by little, I find myself making excuses to shorten workouts, or even skip them outright, rationalizing the whole time, while swearing to myself I'll be right back at it. Tomorrow. Next week. Over time it simply becomes harder and harder to maintain my motivation, as I lose steam, get bored with the program, or just plain burned out. Then comes that 'All or Nothing' mindset -- which is a real trap. The attitude that any exercise short of killing myself with the effort of simply doing it wont do at all -- so what's the point? Eh, I may as well sit my booty down in front of the bloody computer for several hours...

Well, I now recognize this pattern at least. And I think I finally understand that it really isn't necessary to go nuts with the exercise to receive health benefits from physical activity. Yes, I have a slow metabolism that probably needs to be shaken up a bit and would probably benefit with a more regularly rigorous activity program. Yes, I wish I were one of those naturally athletic people with stamina doing all sorts of amazing physical feats, even while poking the big 4-0 with a short stick, like me. One of those people who dont' look upon exercise as drudgery, a necessary evil. Yes, I not infrequently use my motherhood, my schedule, my physicality (or lack thereof), and my age all as excuses....

And yes, my walk today will do very nicely indeed....

This is not a 'diet', but....

2006-04-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

...I did give myself a little weigh this evening. I'd stopped by my folks to retrieve our critters (who had been in their care while we were away), used their bathroom before I left -- and there sat their scale, an irresistable mere inches away. I know I've mentioned I'm trying not to focus overly much on what the scale says in my quest to cure my disordered emotionally charged, compulsive eating habits -- still, I felt compelled to take the opportunity since we don't own one. And it was with relief too. I'm 242 -- down 8 pounds....

This amount is significant to me on a couple of levels. For one thing, it's the exact number I was recorded as weighing about 2 1/2 years ago, upon joining Weight Watchers. I can recall how disheartening that was at the time, because having not weighed myself (by choice) for years and years (even turning my back when stepping on the scale at the doc office -- the nurses were very accomodating about that), I was clueless as to the exact amount. And needless to say, I recall how I hadn't expected it to be quite so much (wince). But I took it in stride, squared my shoulders and resolved to give The Plan (points) the good college try. And I did, there for awhile, getting as low as 225 without a terrible lot of effort, just as I was also coming off a heavy-duty summer exercise program -- and just before encountering a very stubborn plateau. A VERY stubborn plateau. Gradually, in time, I became frustrated with the amount of money I was spending on meetings, without seeing the scale budge. Plus, tracking points was becoming ...what? Tiresome? You know the story. Eventually I made the fateful decision to discontinue WW to try going it alone (ahem). And I did hold steady, at least for a time -- in fact it took all this time, years really, to gain the weight back. But gain it back I did of course -- and then some. When I attempted rejoining WW again this past January, I weighed in at that first meeting at 245. Ouch. Oh, how I longed to just see 242 again. 2-4-2. Funny how a number that seemed oppressively awful only a few short years ago, should suddenly have been almost welcomed....

My WW experience of this past January was of an altogether different animal, this last round when I came crawling back. I began it with the sincerest intentions (New Year's resolutions et al). But instead of the easy initial weight loss of my previous attempt? This time I stalled out right from the beginning, my head not being in the right place. My body neither. The first several weeks were disasterous, and I ended up chucking it all early on in utter discouragement and disgust -- managing instead to gain an additional 5 pounds, in Feb/early March, with yet another sustained bout of out-of-control eating, before waking myself up with the slap of Reality (all 250 pounds of it)....

So it's happy I am to see my old friend, 242. Feels kind of like starting fresh.....

Home again, home again....

2006-04-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

The visit went well. Everyone behaved themselves and we all had a nice time -- plus we couldn't have asked for better weather...

On the whole, I felt that I kept my consumption within reasonable and non-disordered limits during the visit, despite the easter candy floating around and dining out no less than three times. Yes, I did have a few pieces of easter candy over the past few days. As in a little -- not a lot. And, during two of the three times eating out, I did nibble just a little past the point of fullness (the third time not) -- again that's a little past that point, not considerably so (as I have been fully capable of doing in the past). Both those times, that meal turned out to be pretty much my main one of the day (one of said meals being a single trip to the salad bar plus two medium slices of thin-crust pizza at Pizza Hut, for example), so I'm not sweating it....

Ahhh, it is nice to be home though.....

license to ill

2006-04-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

We'll be leaving this afternoon for an out-of-state trip, to visit my husband's granny, as we do every year, for Easter. There will be gobs of Easter candy and most likely a few restaurant meals thrown in --particularly to a buffet-style place or two in her little town. The food's not great at these establishments, and I'm vegetarian besides, so that limits my selection considerably -- still, it hasn't stopped me from managing to over-indulge to the nth degree in the past. Our family doesn't eat out often (due primarily to the expense) and I still very much have the 'Dining Out is a Big and Rare Treat' mentality sometimes, like it's some sort of license to go nuts and fill my plate to the brim. I have to remind myself that it's just food. Just food. (And not even particularly good food at that)....

Waist Not, Want Not

2006-04-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

My waistline is sort of like a natural weight barometer for me -- I can tell about where I'm 'at' according to how my waist 'feels'. When I'm feeling bloated and puffy about the waist, or it doesn't flatten out in that old familiar, comforting way when I lie on my back, I know I'm in trouble....

My general body shape is thus: I am extremely loooong in the torso, with comically short legs. My waistline is high, man -- I mean way up there (I recall when I was pregnant and excited and so impatient to 'show' -- and it taking forever, because apparently the babies had so much abdominal cavity to wallow in before they were forced to actually start growing out). So, as such, much of my excess weight tends to settle on my hips, butt, and thick thighs -- most ESPECIALLY my butt which, truly, is a force to be reckoned with. But I'm not exactly pear-shaped either, because of my broad shoulders. The full effect is basically hour glass. In proportion to the rest of me, my waist is quite small. That's proportionally speaking. Never mind the loose, protruding potbelly of my lower abdomen, or the flab bubbling a little over my bra straps above -- No, I'm talking WAIST here.

Buying pants has been a challenge my whole life, because of my curvy shape. Often to get them to fit in comfortably through the hips, the waist ended up loose and baggy. Conversely, typically if the pants were to fit my waist, I wouldn't be able to get them above my knees. I've FINALLY found happiness in L.L.Bean Women's Relaxed Fit Wide Leg Jeans, so I'm all set (and the problem was much more pronounced when I was thinner anyway)-- but before that, back in the late 80's and early 90's, I gave up wearing pants altogether because I just couldn't find any to fit, particularly with that straight-legged style that was so popular then. Instead I took to wearing dresses and skirts, all the time, any season, any occaision. And it was a good look for me really, when I was slim, as it showed off my best asset (waist), while downplaying my least (hips/butt/thighs) -- though it was not always practical. Like, going canoeing for instance. Plus people who did not know me well sometimes mistook me for being conservative Christian....

The fact of the matter is, I have a love/hate relationship with my waist. It's typically the last place I gain weight, and the first place I lose it. When my pants start to fit snug and feel tight in through the waist, it's absolutely the Worst Feeling in the world for me and I don't want to get out of bed. On the other hand, when the ol' waist 'feels' flatter and smaller? -- makes me feel almost positively skinny, even at 245 or whatever the heck pounds I am right now (have no scale at home remember? --by choice). Well, my waistbands were all TIGHT several weeks ago. And now...they're not....

What a feeling of relief that is.....

Yard Work Is Hard Work ('Specially When Yer Fat)

2006-04-13T14:50:00.001-07:00

Well, the jeans had to come off. There was just a little too much constriction happening there, even after wearing them a few hours. I did find an old, grungy and highly worn out pair to put on. Sex-ay. We'll try the new pair another time. I was off to do a little yard work anyway. Which I like to do, because I actually do enjoy activity in general. Usually. Especially on days as beautiful and sunny as this one was. The only problem was, after a whole winter of sedentary slothfulness? I am really out of shape, woefully so --and I think I could feel every single bit of my 100 or so (100? Really??? Yikes.) excessive poundages as I tramped around out there in my big yard, moving sticks and logs around and transplanting. Not a particularly enjoyable sensation -- that general 'heaviness', especially when I'm actually trying to get something accomplished. But at least it was an affirmation of why I'm trying to get a few out-of-control habits UNDER control, and maybe even some resolution to at least one (of several) unresolved issues in my life. And, perhaps the excess weight helps burn more calories during physical activity? I'm just saying (because overall? I'm actually trying to avoid that whole diet mental mindset if I can help it -- I do believe it's a trigger for me) ....

It's funny how I can sometimes forget how big I've become though, until I recieve a friendly little tap on the shoulder like that. I mean, 'Hel-LO! You weigh a helluva lot, girlfriend...!'....

No disordered eating for me today so far. Yay.

Blue Lue's Blue Jeans

2006-04-13T06:48:00.000-07:00

I'm wearing the previously mentioned brand-new, never worn, L.L.Bean, Relaxed Fit, Size 18 Women's jeans I got last X-mas, and hadn't been able to get into, until now. They zip without lying down, and that's good enough for me. Slightly tighty -- but they're stretching a little already. My old jeans are in the wash, and I needed something to wear -- besides it's getting so warm this spring already that if I don't start wearing them now it'll be too hot before long....

Yesterday was another day of non-disordered eating for me. Three meals, and only a little sanctioned snacking. That was on a small bit of candy I made a point of purchasing for myself yesterday afternoon, while shopping for my kids' easter goodies, and staring down bags upon bags of pounds upon pounds of discounted brand-name chocolate in the aisles of Big Lots (actually, chocolate isn't a huge temptation for me anyway, for some reason. A small one sometimes, but not huge.). I did select purposefully for myself an interesting candy item that caught my eye -- a sour cherry something or other, in a tube, because I am partial to sweet/tart things --but, upon trying it, it wasn't that exciting and was happy to toss most of it. Whatever....

I noticed I did feel a little pick-sy at dinner though. That was a typical eating pattern of mine for years-- to eat a serving of a meal, and then maybe even a second serving. Fine. But THEN to continue complusively picking at the food, putting little dibs and dabs on my plate -- dibs and dabs, dabs and dibs -- until it finally amounted to who knows how much. And me not even being fully aware of what I was doing. Last night what I made for dinner tasted good to me, and after my first serving I did feel that momentary urge to 'pick' at it a little. But, I recognized that old habit, and stopped.

SpellCheck???

2006-04-12T07:09:00.000-07:00

So how the heck do you use spell check on this thing? Hunh? How???

"Off"

2006-04-12T06:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was another day of non-disordered eating for me, for which I am very thankful (thank you, thank you). I guess it really is a one-day-at-a-time thing.

And it's really a little bit odd too. Like a switch, that suddenly got shut off. One day of rummaging around in the kitchen, nervously picking and consuming whatever I could get my hands on, and the next day ... not. I'm not going out of my way to prepare special diet meals either, nor am I abstaining. I'm just trying to be 'normal' (whatever that may be) with food -- and yesterday was a 'good' day in that regard (as was the day before that, and the day before that). I'm hoping today will be too. I'm not exactly sure what happened in terms of my apparent on/off switch, or how -- but I'm going with it. And I want to keep it going, encourage it to stick around, as long as it can. Staying 'off'. It feels very freeing. But it also feels very fragile....

And that's the part of the purpose of this blog for me, and why I began it. To get those thoughts and emotions and feelings out there. Out on the table, naked and vulnerable. To feel them, poke them. To explore and express them.And I'm sensitive, oh so sensitive. I know I have 'triggers' too --plus, I tend to be a very hyper-private person (I'm going to try very hard to suspend my privacy inhibitions for the sake of this journal. The anonymity helps of course), and I internalize far too much for my own good. Repression, I suspect you may be where I get into trouble. I need to get up close and personal with ...myself.

I began this journey of self-healing several weeks ago now, though, even after consulting the calendar this morning, I can't pin-point exactly what day that might have been, if indeed it did begin on any one particular day (I think not, it was more subconscious and gradual than that). So, for the sake of simplicity, I'm going to claim the day of my first entry, April 7th, as my official first day (of the rest of my life)....

Boring Background Information, Part One....

2006-04-11T07:21:00.000-07:00

So, as stated in my profile, I have 'food issues'. As in 'issues with food'. As in, 'problem eating'. As in, 'unhealthful dining habits'. As in..., 'I abuse food, like a drug, as a numbing measure, an avoidance factor, a stalling technique, a comfort mechanism, a stress reliever and a crutch to help cope and deal with the challenges, both pleasant and unpleasant, of Real Life'. You know, those kinds of issues.....

Well. At least now I can finally admit it to myself....

I've been food-preoccupied for about as long as I can remember....

Mom was a very good cook, and was confident and satisfied in her role as homemaker in the 60's and 70's. She and dad were both depression-era farm kids from huge families. Farmers consume a lot of food, appropriately so for the amount of physical labor involved, particularly back in the day. There were lots of brothers and uncles and farmhands in their childhoods, doing lots of hard, sweaty work and eating lots of rich farm food. Nothing was wasted. Sunday Dinner was an institution. Mom grew up and married, and stayed slim despite the fact she continued the habit of cooking for an army, though we were only a family of six, living in town. My parents gardened, and mom prepared nearly everything from scratch. Meals of my childhood (which was happy by the way) were of the traditional fare, and tasty, and we were encouraged to clean our plates. Although I despised liver and okra and green beans with a passion (now love okra and beans of all kinds), I generally didn't need to be persuaded....

We rarely ate out, but when we did it was a giNORmous treat. I loved McDonald's in particular. I would order a Big Mac, just like Dad, although I was a mere young girlchild, and he was an adult man. That struck me as funny even then. Then I'd secretly try to compete with him in finishing mine first (and typically 'win')....

I had a country cousin close in age to me, an only child, and adopted, who was very indulged in nearly every way. I'd go out and spend days at a time with my aunt and uncle in summers, running around having adventures on the farm. He was an insanely picky eater, my cousin, and stick skinny. He did like eating fast food out though, so his family often would, not infrequently bringing me along. They'd also take us to movies --stocking up at the concession stand first before going in the theater. His mom kept all manner of much coveted-by-me snack foods in the kitchen cupboards -- goodies of the Little Debbie variety, or Oreos (my favorite, which my mom NEVER bought) and also stuff like 'astronaut food' -- paper tubes of chocolatey fudge sticks, or something like that? Well, whatever it was, it was hopelessly exotic to me -- and I'd occasionally try to raid her kitchen drawers and sneak a little when I thought no one was looking....

Being the youngest in my family, at some point my mom must have grown tired of packing brown bags for me in grade school, and was quite willing to purchase hot lunches when I finally requested them. Unlike many kids, I was very much partial to the school lunches -- in particular the hot rolls, the instant mashed potatoes (we always had the real deal at home), the sloppy joes, the salisbury steak, pizza, and fish sandwiches. And I always ate my sides -- the scoop of whatever veggie, the glistening canned fruit. In fact, I would often finish other's lunches for them, when they disliked whatever was served and didn't want it (which was often). When it was fish sandwhich day, for example -- I typically had many offers. I remember thinking, 'Score!'. One of my closest friends at them time was also very food-oriented, and we figured out we could entertain the other kids at the lunch table, by consuming weird combinations of food -- like putting jello upon some corn, upon our mashed potatoes, upon our rolls. The other kids would moan, "You're REALLY going to eat that????". And we would indeed, and they would all groan in protest. Everyone would laugh. We thought it was hilarious....

I was lucky though, because for most of my childhood, despite all the extra calories, while I wasn't the slimmest child around, I wasn't the fattest either. Never an athlete by any stretch of the imagination, I was none-the-less an active kid --climbing trees, riding my bike and running around. And I was quite tall for a long time, compared to my peers, until they finally caught up to me in Jr. High (when I topped out at 5'-7"). Still, being a head or more over everybody until that time, and having such big hands and feet for my age, plus those few extra pounds, always gave me the self-perception of being quite the gargantuan. Finally, by the time I was 10, I was getting noticeably chunkier, although I can't say I was particularly bothered by it yet. By 11 though, I started my period. Then, in short order, I developed my first crush, to a yukky little loser boy in my class --and thus began my first diet, totally self-imposed, in the sixth grade....

Eye Opener

2006-04-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

My jeans are feeling looser on this sunny spring morning (plus, I can comfortably suck my stomach in without superhuman effort -- starting my period two days ago probably didn't hurt in that matter), and for it I am eternally grateful. This small revelation even encouraged me to try on the brand new, never worn, L.L.Bean Relaxed Fit, size 18 Women's, X-mas, haven't-been-able-to-get-into-since-I-received-them jeans...and...., they weren't terrible. Still on the snugly side, but they're zipping. And that's a start. Actually I'd say it's pretty close -- just another few pounds until they're truly comfortable. I could probably get by with wearing them even now because they'd stretch a bit -- but, I've waited this long, so what's a little more waiting....

It's been a few weeks now since I, with not-a-little trepidation, stepped on the scale in the bathroom of a relative's house (we don't own a scale ourselves), and registered the numbers 2-5-0. (...!!!...), nearly causing me to pitch myself off the thing right then and there. Never could I have imagined I'd ever see those numbers, strung together like that, in that order, in relation to my weight, in relation to me.

I gulped and swallowed hard. And then I began thinking. And thinking some more....

My previous all-time highest recorded weight was 245 pounds, what I weighed in just a few short months ago, back in January upon rejoining (emphasis on the 're') Weight Watchers. I thought THAT had been a shock -- and yet there I was, now 5 pounds HEAVIER (while $145 membership dollars lighter. Go me). Good Lord. Where was this going to end? When was it going to stop? Could it stop? Yes. It had to. But how??? How could I stop it?????

I think I saw a little of The Light that day. And I'm clinging to hope it was a turning point....

The Corn Syrup Runs Deep....

2006-04-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

I was not breastfed as a baby. Apparently it was still not in favor by the time I came around in the mid 60's. Or, at least it wasn't with my mom, who by that time had already raised three artificially fed infants, and was pretty down with the whole technique. And she truly believed she was doing her best by us too, bless 'er little 76 year old heart (I love that woman), because her doctor assured her it was so. It is kind of sad though, because having nursed my own two babies (now 9 and 12) into toddlerhood as I did? I understand full well, as does most everybody else these days, just what a bonus breastfeeding offers.

Instead, I, along with the rest of my generation, was given 'formula'. Only formula then was very different than what it is today (at least I figure so -- never used it myself, but I understand the corporations research breastmilk, and when a new nutrient is discovered they do their darndest to replicate it). I don't believe there was any commercially available formula back then actually-- my mother concocted her own as per the physician's advice. Every night she would make up all the bottles needed for the following day, with a boiled brew that consisted of 1/3 evaporated milk, 1/3 water, and 1/3 corn syrup. Corn syrup! Lovely. A third of a baby bottle of Karo corn syrup, per how many bottles in a day? Per week? Per year? Surely adding up to the many gobs and gobs of sticky-sweet corn syrup we all must have been weaned upon. Doesn't sound like the healthiest start in life. And it showed, at least on me it did. Photos of me at the time portray the full baby cheeks, bunched up in a smile, the dimpled hands and soft, pudgy knees....

Today I still have the bunchy, full cheeks, big hands and soft, pudgy knees -- plus any number of big, soft, pudgy body parts in addition (though I must say I've run quite the gamut in terms of size over my 39 years). Still have that syrupy corn-sweet tooth too, plus a salty tooth, and a fats tooth. Lots to chew on at any rate....

Testing....

2006-04-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

Test test testedy test-test...