Going for Day 5....

As irrational as I can be with food a lot of the time, it may come as a surprise to fathom that I do actually have a very strong will power streak within my character, over many things. Even oral or food related things.....

For example, waaaaay back, in college, as the young happenin' hipster I was, I confess I was a casual smoker. Which is very nutty actually, because I couldn't possibly be more of an anti-smoker today. Still, I was young, as were all my hip-happenin' friends. And even though we of course knew better, we would still all go to night clubs, out dancing or to parties or whatever, and just smoke ourselves silly. Puff, puff, puff. Once, after a particularly bad breakup immediately after college, and through the personal crisis fallout that ensued (where I was hell-bent on experimenting with a self-destructive streak), I even did my best to try to actually make it a habit. But nah.... As addictive as the death sticks supposedly are, in my early 20's when I finally made the decision to simply give it up entirely, forever and ever for once and for all as long as I should live on this earth-- it was ridiculously easy for me. Snap! of the fingers. I quit. That was all it took, never looked back. Never smoked again. Never even THOUGHT of smoking again....

Another example, is my vegetarianism. After a decidedly carnivorous childhood (the product of two depression-era farm kids -- meat in some form or fashion being on the table at every single meal), in which I *adored* animal flesh (hamburgers! bacon! T-giving turkey!), I came to realize in my teens what seemed a hypocrisy in my life that couldn't co-exist: my love for animals and my love for consuming their flesh, and never the twain shall meet. I decided the meat had to go -- and indeed while it was a gradual process (giving up first red meat, then white meat, then fish, etc), at some point I decided to go all the way. Which is where I remain today-- never having tasted (intentionally anyway) meat since. In some 20 odd years. And hey, it was that easy for me.....(because please, I'm telling you -- I grew up absolutely LOVING meat in all it's forms)....

Not to mention that I was even vegan for about a decade. That took considerable self resolve, trust me. While I must admit in the last several years I've relaxed on that considerably on that score, mostly for practical reasons (simply found it much too challenging to raise a family that restrictively), I still very much limit the dairy and eggs, even though I surely like the way they taste (in fact I never purchase milk, cheese, yogurt or eggs for home use -- though we occasiaonally may indulge in these things in restaurants or other homes).

Another thing? I have an extremely low tolerance for what I consider feeling bad physically. As in, I don't like pain, I don't like discomfort. Which brings me to... alcoholic beverages. Who doesn't like alcoholic beverages? I adore alcoholic beverages -- wine, beer. Spirits. Martinis. Don't even get me started on the margaritas and mojitos and all that other delectable stuff. Party on! Well, except for the nasty hangover payback (yes, gotta Pay when you Play). A tablespoon of alcohol is enough to make me feel really nasty the day after -- just overall yucky, and being that I have that low tolerance for feeling nasty, my drinking days are well behind me -- were years and years ago actually. I've very rarely indulged in alcohol for the last 15 years. I can look at an alcoholic drink and ask myself, 'is it worth feeling like crap tomorrow?' The answer is generally, 'nope, not worth it', and I move on. I nearly always pass it up -- despite how enjoyable I know it would be in the moment to indulge in a drink or two. Guess that demonstrates some will power as well, wouldn't ya think...?

And yet ANOTHER example. Caffeine. Years ago I figured out that caffeine made me feel bad. Not the actual rush I mean, after a cup of coffee or tea-- who doesn't enjoy that boost of energy? No, as a diuretic substance, I figured out gradually the caffeine was just messing too much with my digestive system, which is sensitive anyway. Personal side effects that I just find intolerable, as in this heinous rebound constipation (see the above high intolerance to feeling yukky factor). So, despite my love of all coffee, coffee drinks, tea, and chai of every kind, out the window they went. All of 'em. I rarely, if ever, consume caffeinated drinks, as yummy as I know them to be. Simply gave it up. Case closed.

Ok, so with all this will power in so many other areas, why the utter lack of self-reserve in the overeating department?

Veddy good question.....

Day 4 (or 5?)

Well, I'll just go ahead and just call it Day 4. At any rate, it was another day of non-disordered eating for me, and of healthy, self-sustaining food choices (very much of the McDougall Plan)-- both in terms of selection, and quantity. Plus I went through the whole day without once feeling like I wanted to unbutton the top button of my jeans due to too much constriction. The size 18's no longer feel like they are slowly bisecting me at the waistline. If nothing else, I'm eternally grateful for that -- because I can't think of a worse damn feeling....

Peace, and Calm....

Holy cow. Has it really been nearly a year since I've posted here? Really? A wholeYEAR...???

Glad I kept this blog up at any rate, so I could come crawling back when I was ready. And so here I am, a bit bruised and shaken, but standing....

After a relatively laid back spring, where I seemed to be at least holding reasonably steady on the disordered eating front, if not making strides -- something snapped. S-N-A-P-P-E-D. I've since had a many a long month of uncontrolled emotional overeating. Mindless and crazed. Stuffing. Giving in to the demons. What the heck was that??? Out of control and unable to reign myself in, no matter what I tried. Sheesh, I have absolutely ZERO issues with drug and alcohol abuse, but if it is anything like THAT, to be so powerless over Food.... Well, perhaps there really is a parallel and I can personally relate to Addiction after all....

The Shagri-la Diet of the past was a bust obviously. I should have never gotten caught up with that. Why would I still be tempted and get myself trapped with quick-fixes, when after all I've been through you would think I'd know better? Will I never learn?

At any rate, it's taken weeks of self-talk and internal bargaining -- a constant dialog in my head -- but I'm finally trying to fight my way back, and return to Peace and Calm. Today I will be attempting to get through my third or fourth day in a row of non-disordered eating. So far these last few days it really hasn't been so difficult, once I was finally able to get a grip on myself and my psyche, and into the correct frame of mind (man, THAT is the hard part). These last several days have been wonderful gifts of peace and calm to myself --in mind, body and spirit. I have made good, self-sustaining food choices, with no disordered eating. It's such a good and healthful (and hopeful) feeling, and I want (need) it to last -- as long as it possibly can. There really is just no other way. I can't go back to the other -- it's sheer torture.

Doesn't this all sound so dramatic? I can't help it -- it IS dramatic. Nobody reads this anyway. I can write here just for me....

Despite it all, I don't think too TERRIBLY much damage in terms of weight was done, thank goodness. The size 18 jeans still fit. They are TIGHT, yes. But they zip. Not entirely comfortably-- but I can wear them, and have been (though I admit once I get back into the privacy of my own home I am prone to unbuttoning the top button! Already today however, while I sit at the computer typing this I don't feel the need to unbutton. That's how quickly it can happen). I estimate I'm likely somewhere near the dreaded 250 pound mark again -- but hey, at the rate that things were going, it could have been far worse (because the 18's still fit).

I'm just thankful I was able to finally arrest the downward spiral. And I'm praying to keep it up, and to remain in the Peace and Calm -- because I can't go through that mess again.....

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testing...stay tuned....