Another busy, chaotic weekend around here, making me anxious and tired. The dreary, damp/cold weather doesn't help either. Nor does being in the throes of PMS. Actually, I'd like very much to go dig a hole somewhere and hibernate right now....
My appetite was weird yesterday too. I was literally hungry all day, but had a hard time finding anything that I was really interested in eating. Nothing sounded quite right. When I did eat what seemed a reasonable meal or snack (like a homemade, spinach/tofu--filled steamed bun for example), I was STILL gnawingly hungry. And I felt cravings for sweets too -- which I tried to satisfy with several pieces of fruit throughout the day. I have heard that women's bodies actually burn more calories during this premenstrual time of the month -- perhaps that has something to do with it??? At any rate, it's a good thing I wasn't home most of the day or I might have had quite the temptation to forage for munchables in the kitchen....
This morning there were all kinds of goodies at church when I dropped the kids off -- sweet breads, pastries, muffins etc, etc (the leftovers of some sort of event last night). Happily, I wasn't temped by any of it -- despite my sweet tooth yesterday.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Holy Guacamole
So I went to the little event last night, and it was pleasant enough. I ended up not wearing the black jeans, because I just couldn't come up with a suitable top to pair with them that I felt truly comfortable in. The only top I really wanted to wear was my favorite -- a long, slightly A-line, v-neck, black, very thinly knit sweater, and though I still love wearing black (ex goth from 20 years ago that I am), black on black is, even for me, just too much black for daylight hours. I ended up wearing my new (x-mas) faded blue jeans instead (that FIT -- wooh!). Because I know myself well enough to understand that I'm much better off erring on the slightly casual side, and NOT feeling fat -- versus looking less casual, but feeling Fat.... Does that make sense?
But oh, my favorite sweater. Wish I had one in every color. It suits my body shape Just Right. It fits Exactly So. That's not easy to find with my long torso action. But, I picked it up second hand at a charity sale a few years back. Who knows where it came from originally. If only I could knit with any proficiency (I'm terrible at it, and not for lack of trying) -- I'd whip out about 15 of them....
The spread last night was delightful. There was guacamole, and salsa. A cheese and veggie tray. There were grapes. There were the most beautiful chocolate-covered strawberries. Sushi (a good portion of it vegetarian I was very happy to see), and a lovely assortment of desserts. And wine ( I savored my half-glass). I left for home feeling a l-i-t-t-l-e full. Was I disordered? Well, as I predicited, it did turn out to be my dinner, plus I was busy all day and had had hardly any lunch. Mostly I was snarfing the veg sushi, and the guacamole (scooping it up more with the veggies than the chips, which were thin and breaky). And grapes. A little cheese. I had one covered strawberry (I'd chosen the white chocolate -- but the covering looked yummier than it tasted, so I cracked it off and ate the berry plain). It's funny how I'm not really all that into desserts, considering that I have what I still classify as a sweet tooth (it never occurs to me to order desserts at restaurants, for example). Out of all the lovely eclairs, petit fors, cannolis, and cakes -- I selected one very small little, unidentified puffy thing. It turned out to be coffee-flavored mousse, or something? -- well, I like coffee fine enough, but I guess it wasn't what I was in the mood for. So I left most of it. But when it comes to sushi and guac? --Hey, I'll wrestle you to the GROUND, Sistah...!
But oh, my favorite sweater. Wish I had one in every color. It suits my body shape Just Right. It fits Exactly So. That's not easy to find with my long torso action. But, I picked it up second hand at a charity sale a few years back. Who knows where it came from originally. If only I could knit with any proficiency (I'm terrible at it, and not for lack of trying) -- I'd whip out about 15 of them....
The spread last night was delightful. There was guacamole, and salsa. A cheese and veggie tray. There were grapes. There were the most beautiful chocolate-covered strawberries. Sushi (a good portion of it vegetarian I was very happy to see), and a lovely assortment of desserts. And wine ( I savored my half-glass). I left for home feeling a l-i-t-t-l-e full. Was I disordered? Well, as I predicited, it did turn out to be my dinner, plus I was busy all day and had had hardly any lunch. Mostly I was snarfing the veg sushi, and the guacamole (scooping it up more with the veggies than the chips, which were thin and breaky). And grapes. A little cheese. I had one covered strawberry (I'd chosen the white chocolate -- but the covering looked yummier than it tasted, so I cracked it off and ate the berry plain). It's funny how I'm not really all that into desserts, considering that I have what I still classify as a sweet tooth (it never occurs to me to order desserts at restaurants, for example). Out of all the lovely eclairs, petit fors, cannolis, and cakes -- I selected one very small little, unidentified puffy thing. It turned out to be coffee-flavored mousse, or something? -- well, I like coffee fine enough, but I guess it wasn't what I was in the mood for. So I left most of it. But when it comes to sushi and guac? --Hey, I'll wrestle you to the GROUND, Sistah...!
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Clothing Challenged
I have a semi-elegant event to attend tonight, as I do every year at this time. It's really not a terribly big deal, but my usual clothing of choice, to the tune of old jeans, t-shirts, and birkenstock sandals, definitely wont cut it. In other words, I'll have to come up with something decent to wear. And being the introverted SAHM-type that I am, I don't have a whole lot of occasions for which I actually have to do this, so I don't have a big selection 'nice' clothes in my personal wardrobe. I achingly remember those care-free days of throwing on some soft, breezy, spring hippie skirt (one of the multitude that I owned), a cute top, maybe a light sweater over my shoulders, a smattering of jewelery, and I was set. But it's not that easy anymore. Those soft breezy skirts that I once loved to wear, and were so flattering, look more or less like billowing tents on me today. I hate shopping and rarely do it -- and when I do FORCE myself to do it, it's generally without any real plan (plus I often grab stuff willy nilly at garage and charity sales), so all I end up with is a lot of mismatched, noncoordinating seperates to work with....
So, I'll need to see what I can come up with. One option may very well be the infamous X-mas jeans that I can FINALLY FIT INTO VERY COMFORTABLY. They are brand new, and very black. You see, there were actually two pairs of X-mas non-fitting, LLBean, size 18, wide leg jeans that I was struggling with -- a black pair, and a 'faded' pair. I've been focusing on the faded pair -- but the black pair, which I'm wearing this morning for the very first time, are just as fit-able now (squee). Paired with an ok top, and something other than Birk's or sneakers for footwear -- perhaps I can get by with wearing them since they are so new (and thus so very black)....
Tonight's event will feature, as I know from experience, a nice reception with wine and a respecatable spread of hors d'oeuvres. There will be crackers and cheeses, meat-type stuff (yuk), salsa/chips/guacamole (yum), and a huge pile of extremely irresistably-lovely and decorative petite fors. The time will be between 5:00 and 7:00 -- so this will mostly likely simply turn out to be my dinner (I'm going solo -- the others will be at my son's soccer game that, sadly, I'll have to miss). I shall be tempted by the wine (free alcohol!), and maybe even dare to sample a little (have to be very careful with that though -- because even at my size and weight, my tolerance is laughably low). In any event, I'll be keeping these plans in the back of my mind as I try to get through yet another day of eating as non-disordered as possible....
So, I'll need to see what I can come up with. One option may very well be the infamous X-mas jeans that I can FINALLY FIT INTO VERY COMFORTABLY. They are brand new, and very black. You see, there were actually two pairs of X-mas non-fitting, LLBean, size 18, wide leg jeans that I was struggling with -- a black pair, and a 'faded' pair. I've been focusing on the faded pair -- but the black pair, which I'm wearing this morning for the very first time, are just as fit-able now (squee). Paired with an ok top, and something other than Birk's or sneakers for footwear -- perhaps I can get by with wearing them since they are so new (and thus so very black)....
Tonight's event will feature, as I know from experience, a nice reception with wine and a respecatable spread of hors d'oeuvres. There will be crackers and cheeses, meat-type stuff (yuk), salsa/chips/guacamole (yum), and a huge pile of extremely irresistably-lovely and decorative petite fors. The time will be between 5:00 and 7:00 -- so this will mostly likely simply turn out to be my dinner (I'm going solo -- the others will be at my son's soccer game that, sadly, I'll have to miss). I shall be tempted by the wine (free alcohol!), and maybe even dare to sample a little (have to be very careful with that though -- because even at my size and weight, my tolerance is laughably low). In any event, I'll be keeping these plans in the back of my mind as I try to get through yet another day of eating as non-disordered as possible....
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Quantities of Quality
For the record, I didn't snack and pick at those leftovers last night.....
Yes, I am most certainly indeed heading in the direction of Premenstruation, and, well, it's never a fun time for me. In the past, I've had success managing the symptoms (physical AND emotional) with regular very rigorous and sustained exercise -- HOWEVER, I just don't have it in me at the mo. Instead, I'll stick to my sporadic light exercise, reasonably healthful eating, making a point of drinking lots of water, and maybe... just maybe go easy on the salt intake while I'm at it...
Because I do, I believe, have the whole healthy diet thing pretty down. And have for years. I'm more or less what you'd call a hippie cook, with a whole foods palate. Crunchy granola, Baybee. No, I'm no saint. It's just that ever since my introduction to Dr. McDougall's program some 15 years ago? -- it's a habit I just can't shake. As a SAHM, I'm the primary shopper and cook in the family -- the others are my captives, ha ha! Actually, they are so used to my cooking and are such good eaters I get very few complaints.
We rarely eat out. Instead, following in my mother's footsteps, I prepare most of our food at home, from scratch. It's so very much cheaper-- and hey, being the one-income family that we are, that's nothing to sneeze at. I'm always trying to economize one way or another. As vegetarians, our meals are planned around veggies, beans (dried beans over canned most of the time -- more economical), whole grains, tofu and tempeh, seitan, and occasionally those commercially available vegetarian meat-like substitutes (they're expensive though, so we don't indulge too often). I've become proficient over the years at many ethnic dishes -- nori rolls, curries, stir fries, hummous, etc. But I've also had lots of practice making classic American comfort food, but with a vegetarian twist -- homemade barbecued seitan 'ribs' for instance, shepherd's pie, 'meat'less loaf and tofu cheesecake ....
I have two slow-cookers, and two pressure cookers (three, if you count the canner), and put them into near constant use. A bread machine too. Plus a Vitamix. Love my kitchen appliances. And serve me well they do.
I purchase relatively few convenience food items for my home pantry, but confess I do make some exceptions -- for those uber busy nights we often have around here, when everyone is either coming and going in or out the door. Jarred spaghetti sauce, for example, is a true time saver for me (I do make and can my own spaghetti sauce, plus salsa and chili sauce-- last year was a terrible year for tomatoes in these parts, unfortunately). Canned stewed tomatoes are handy as well, among other things. I wish I could say that I only purchase the organic stuff -- but alas, I don't (can't quite reconcile the expense unless there is some exceptional sale going on -- then I've been known to stock up). There's also this brand of frozen pirogis, way cheap, that I resort to from time to time. Packaged frozen veggies have their place in my freezer, some canned veggies on my shelves. Cheap, 5-pound bags of store-brand frozen french fries??? Check. (they're especially good with veggie burgers on sprouted wheat buns). Heck, I'll even pick up a box or two of cake mix, when I find an especially good sale -- to mix them with canned pumpkin for 'muffins' (you know, that old WW trick?) for days when the kids have buddies over and I need to make a quick snack for a demanding crowd. For the most part though, I do my own baking, reading labels and generally avoiding purchasing items with added corn syrup, trans fats, MSG, excessive amounts of unpronouceable ingredients and artificial crap, etc etc....
I'll buy ww pasta when I find a good price -- but often do resort to the white stuff (hub and kids' general preference). Still, my pasta sauces, salads, soups, and tosses are always loaded with abundant added veggies. I only buy ww couscous though -- and ONLY brown rice ever (plus quinoa, bulgher and kasha).
I only purchase natural-style peanut and nut butters -- and stick to the natural jams, or make my own....
We love fruit, and mostly just eat it fresh. We buy big boxes of Florida grapefruits and oranges in the winter-- and savor them. We go to near-by u-pick farms for blueberries and strawberries in the spring and summer, and purchase local apples in the fall....
I went caffein-free years ago -- preferring today herbal teas (currently I'm really into red tea at the moment, or rooibus). I will put a little honey or sugar in my tea from time to time -- because I'm wary of artifitial sweetners. I might drink pop like once or twice a year-- and I never purchase it for our home. We make our own cold, fizzy drinks in the summertime -- mixing 100 % juice conentrate with bottled fizzy water, and plenty of ice... (As for alcohol? Love wine and beer, but rarely indulge)...
Candy is certainly not unknown in my house, but it's typically a rare treat, saved for birthdays and holidays and the like. And while I'm not one to utterly refrain, happily it's not something I truly go nuts over (actually, nuts are something I can kind of go nuts over)....
We are no longer a strict vegan family (as we once were in our early marriage -- that has relaxed considerably), but I still don't purchase eggs and dairy for home use (although I will make a very occasional rare exception for locally made goat cheese). We might have those things outside the home (cheese on pizza for instance, ice cream at birthday parties), and it might be a 'hidden ingredient' in some of the food items I purchase -- whey in crackers, egg yolk in wonton wrappers, dairy in salad dressing, for example -- but otherwise, no. There are never exceptions for meat....
I do admit I have aquired the taste for rich tofu and tahini and nut-based dishes and sauces -- these are healthy alternatives to dairy-based dishes, but there's still a lot of fat there to contend with. I've also developed a huge liking to soy sauce, tamari, Bragg's Liquid Aminos, and Japanese Ume Plum Vinegar -- all terribly salty. I've been guilty of sprinkling a little onto nearly anything I eat. It becomes almost an addiction, because once you get used to it, then foods without it seems bland. I am currently trying to curb this unhealthy habit though....
I bake nearly all our bread (the bread machine is an enormous help with that these days), buns, and pizza crusts. Heck, I even grind my own flour, in my little kitchen counter top grain mill. Hello! Furthermore, as mentioned, I garden -- canning, freezing, and pickling the bounty. And did someone mention Granola??? -- as cliche as it sounds, I really do regularly make granola (purchasing breakfast cereal only in-between batches) for my family, in all it's tooth-breakingly crunchy wholesomeness (which, ironically, I don't even EAT)....
Ok, so with all these reasonably healthy food choices, how did I get so freaking fat???? Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Something I've been asking myself for years now. Used it as a crutch in fact.
Calories, calories, my friend. As it turns out, eating too much of the brown rice stir-fry? It's truly no better than eating too much of the twinkies, fatistically speaking........
Yes, I am most certainly indeed heading in the direction of Premenstruation, and, well, it's never a fun time for me. In the past, I've had success managing the symptoms (physical AND emotional) with regular very rigorous and sustained exercise -- HOWEVER, I just don't have it in me at the mo. Instead, I'll stick to my sporadic light exercise, reasonably healthful eating, making a point of drinking lots of water, and maybe... just maybe go easy on the salt intake while I'm at it...
Because I do, I believe, have the whole healthy diet thing pretty down. And have for years. I'm more or less what you'd call a hippie cook, with a whole foods palate. Crunchy granola, Baybee. No, I'm no saint. It's just that ever since my introduction to Dr. McDougall's program some 15 years ago? -- it's a habit I just can't shake. As a SAHM, I'm the primary shopper and cook in the family -- the others are my captives, ha ha! Actually, they are so used to my cooking and are such good eaters I get very few complaints.
We rarely eat out. Instead, following in my mother's footsteps, I prepare most of our food at home, from scratch. It's so very much cheaper-- and hey, being the one-income family that we are, that's nothing to sneeze at. I'm always trying to economize one way or another. As vegetarians, our meals are planned around veggies, beans (dried beans over canned most of the time -- more economical), whole grains, tofu and tempeh, seitan, and occasionally those commercially available vegetarian meat-like substitutes (they're expensive though, so we don't indulge too often). I've become proficient over the years at many ethnic dishes -- nori rolls, curries, stir fries, hummous, etc. But I've also had lots of practice making classic American comfort food, but with a vegetarian twist -- homemade barbecued seitan 'ribs' for instance, shepherd's pie, 'meat'less loaf and tofu cheesecake ....
I have two slow-cookers, and two pressure cookers (three, if you count the canner), and put them into near constant use. A bread machine too. Plus a Vitamix. Love my kitchen appliances. And serve me well they do.
I purchase relatively few convenience food items for my home pantry, but confess I do make some exceptions -- for those uber busy nights we often have around here, when everyone is either coming and going in or out the door. Jarred spaghetti sauce, for example, is a true time saver for me (I do make and can my own spaghetti sauce, plus salsa and chili sauce-- last year was a terrible year for tomatoes in these parts, unfortunately). Canned stewed tomatoes are handy as well, among other things. I wish I could say that I only purchase the organic stuff -- but alas, I don't (can't quite reconcile the expense unless there is some exceptional sale going on -- then I've been known to stock up). There's also this brand of frozen pirogis, way cheap, that I resort to from time to time. Packaged frozen veggies have their place in my freezer, some canned veggies on my shelves. Cheap, 5-pound bags of store-brand frozen french fries??? Check. (they're especially good with veggie burgers on sprouted wheat buns). Heck, I'll even pick up a box or two of cake mix, when I find an especially good sale -- to mix them with canned pumpkin for 'muffins' (you know, that old WW trick?) for days when the kids have buddies over and I need to make a quick snack for a demanding crowd. For the most part though, I do my own baking, reading labels and generally avoiding purchasing items with added corn syrup, trans fats, MSG, excessive amounts of unpronouceable ingredients and artificial crap, etc etc....
I'll buy ww pasta when I find a good price -- but often do resort to the white stuff (hub and kids' general preference). Still, my pasta sauces, salads, soups, and tosses are always loaded with abundant added veggies. I only buy ww couscous though -- and ONLY brown rice ever (plus quinoa, bulgher and kasha).
I only purchase natural-style peanut and nut butters -- and stick to the natural jams, or make my own....
We love fruit, and mostly just eat it fresh. We buy big boxes of Florida grapefruits and oranges in the winter-- and savor them. We go to near-by u-pick farms for blueberries and strawberries in the spring and summer, and purchase local apples in the fall....
I went caffein-free years ago -- preferring today herbal teas (currently I'm really into red tea at the moment, or rooibus). I will put a little honey or sugar in my tea from time to time -- because I'm wary of artifitial sweetners. I might drink pop like once or twice a year-- and I never purchase it for our home. We make our own cold, fizzy drinks in the summertime -- mixing 100 % juice conentrate with bottled fizzy water, and plenty of ice... (As for alcohol? Love wine and beer, but rarely indulge)...
Candy is certainly not unknown in my house, but it's typically a rare treat, saved for birthdays and holidays and the like. And while I'm not one to utterly refrain, happily it's not something I truly go nuts over (actually, nuts are something I can kind of go nuts over)....
We are no longer a strict vegan family (as we once were in our early marriage -- that has relaxed considerably), but I still don't purchase eggs and dairy for home use (although I will make a very occasional rare exception for locally made goat cheese). We might have those things outside the home (cheese on pizza for instance, ice cream at birthday parties), and it might be a 'hidden ingredient' in some of the food items I purchase -- whey in crackers, egg yolk in wonton wrappers, dairy in salad dressing, for example -- but otherwise, no. There are never exceptions for meat....
I do admit I have aquired the taste for rich tofu and tahini and nut-based dishes and sauces -- these are healthy alternatives to dairy-based dishes, but there's still a lot of fat there to contend with. I've also developed a huge liking to soy sauce, tamari, Bragg's Liquid Aminos, and Japanese Ume Plum Vinegar -- all terribly salty. I've been guilty of sprinkling a little onto nearly anything I eat. It becomes almost an addiction, because once you get used to it, then foods without it seems bland. I am currently trying to curb this unhealthy habit though....
I bake nearly all our bread (the bread machine is an enormous help with that these days), buns, and pizza crusts. Heck, I even grind my own flour, in my little kitchen counter top grain mill. Hello! Furthermore, as mentioned, I garden -- canning, freezing, and pickling the bounty. And did someone mention Granola??? -- as cliche as it sounds, I really do regularly make granola (purchasing breakfast cereal only in-between batches) for my family, in all it's tooth-breakingly crunchy wholesomeness (which, ironically, I don't even EAT)....
Ok, so with all these reasonably healthy food choices, how did I get so freaking fat???? Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Something I've been asking myself for years now. Used it as a crutch in fact.
Calories, calories, my friend. As it turns out, eating too much of the brown rice stir-fry? It's truly no better than eating too much of the twinkies, fatistically speaking........
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Over and Out...
Ok, I made a dinner this evening that was really quite good -- a favorite around here. The leftovers are all packed away in the fridge -- and actually, I wouldn't mind at all 'picking' at them right now. But I'm not going to do that. Right...?
Off for a long walk....
Zoinks. I was just looking in the mirror -- just a perfunctory glance to straighten my hair as I'm about to leave the house. And it struck me, as I stole a glimpse, that I think my face looks slightly thinner. Ay Carumba!
Monday, April 24, 2006
Monday, monday .....
Another weekend of non-disordered eating, for which I am very grateful. It was a uber-busy one to be sure, but I feel calm and relaxed this Monday morning....
My kids had their piano recital yesterday afternoon. They'd worked hard practicing for it, and I was proud of them for marching up there and playing in front of everybody. They're far braver than I. I've always despised that sort of thing -- and still do, avoiding anything that smacks of public speaking/performing (shudder). I guess you would call me shy. Happily, my kids do not seem to have inherited the same trait.
After the recital, there was a small reception, complete with juice, pop, cookies and goodies. I had a bit of juice and two cookies. It all felt very 'normal'. Because I was busy, I hadn't eaten much lunch, so I was slightly hungry (we'd also just come from my kids' musical rehearsal earlier in the afternoon, where brownies and treats were offered during a break, and I declined since I wasn't particularly interested at the time. Plus I figured there'd proabably be stuff at the recital anyway). Immediately after the recital, I went on a grocery shopping errand and, because of my cookie snack I guess, wasn't tempted to buy more than I needed, or stuff I wouldn't ordinarily get, due to an empty and demanding stomach. Then, later in the evening, I ate a light dinner, listening to my body and stopping when I'd had enough.
Needless to say, it could have been (and HAS been) quite different. In my former food-preoccupied mindset, I most likely would have had a substantial lunch of some kind yesterday (following a substantial breakfast) whether I was hungry or not, and no matter how busy (because it would be Lunch Time, and one eats Lunch at Lunch Time, right?). I would probably have made a point of sampling the brownies at the musical rehearsal (brownies!), and probably still would have been tempted by more than just the two cookies at the recital ('hey, free food!'), and despite having had the brownies, etc at the earlier event. I most likely would have felt inclined to purchase something other than just the basics at the store, AND ...would probably have followed it all up with another substantial dinner at Dinner Time. Gads....
Sweet freedom....
My kids had their piano recital yesterday afternoon. They'd worked hard practicing for it, and I was proud of them for marching up there and playing in front of everybody. They're far braver than I. I've always despised that sort of thing -- and still do, avoiding anything that smacks of public speaking/performing (shudder). I guess you would call me shy. Happily, my kids do not seem to have inherited the same trait.
After the recital, there was a small reception, complete with juice, pop, cookies and goodies. I had a bit of juice and two cookies. It all felt very 'normal'. Because I was busy, I hadn't eaten much lunch, so I was slightly hungry (we'd also just come from my kids' musical rehearsal earlier in the afternoon, where brownies and treats were offered during a break, and I declined since I wasn't particularly interested at the time. Plus I figured there'd proabably be stuff at the recital anyway). Immediately after the recital, I went on a grocery shopping errand and, because of my cookie snack I guess, wasn't tempted to buy more than I needed, or stuff I wouldn't ordinarily get, due to an empty and demanding stomach. Then, later in the evening, I ate a light dinner, listening to my body and stopping when I'd had enough.
Needless to say, it could have been (and HAS been) quite different. In my former food-preoccupied mindset, I most likely would have had a substantial lunch of some kind yesterday (following a substantial breakfast) whether I was hungry or not, and no matter how busy (because it would be Lunch Time, and one eats Lunch at Lunch Time, right?). I would probably have made a point of sampling the brownies at the musical rehearsal (brownies!), and probably still would have been tempted by more than just the two cookies at the recital ('hey, free food!'), and despite having had the brownies, etc at the earlier event. I most likely would have felt inclined to purchase something other than just the basics at the store, AND ...would probably have followed it all up with another substantial dinner at Dinner Time. Gads....
Sweet freedom....
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Downward Trend?
Stepped on a scale again today. Not that I want to get in the habit of that, but I had access to my parent's yet again, and couldn't resist. It read (drumroll please):.... 240....
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Jean Queen
This morning I am wearing The Jeans -- the x-mas ones (LLBean, Size 18, Wide leg, Women's) that did not fit me until now. I'm sitting in them, and they do not cut off my circulation! Yeah!
Yesterday, I felt the faintest stirrings of wanting to 'snack' a bit, or graze, for the first time in a long while. I'd had my breakfast, I'd had lunch -- but still felt that old familiar feeling of just wanting to 'piece' around in the kitchen a bit more, to open the refridgerator, peer into the cabinets. It wasn't a real strong impulse, just a small one. But I did feel the tiniest flickers of it. And I'm not sure why either. There wasn't any particular 'trigger' that I could think of. A busy morning and day, yes -- but nothing that I'm not used to, what with as busy and active a family as mine. It did occur to me that I'm pretty much in the middle of my menstrual cycle. I have no idea if that has a thing at all to do with anything -- although I do think I've noticed subtle changes in appetite/snackiness according to where I am in my moon time (you too?). Perhaps it would be a good idea to keep track of the feelings vs. the calendar, to see if I recognize some sort of pattern. At any rate, it felt sort of like, "Danger, danger, Will Robinson!". I admit I feel very protective of my young and fragile 'sobriety'. VERY protective. Falling off the wagon somehow and going back to food slavery would surely do me in, I swear. I refuse to return to that crazy emotional/compulsive eating lifestyle....
My solution was to simply leave the house -- it was a gorgeous day and my garden was calling me. I rent a small plot at a community garden in a nearby park, and hadn't touched it yet this spring due to lack of time. Well, I made up for that, spending hours and hours out there yesterday afternoon. I chopped and shaped, spaded and hoed, turning patch upon patch of dirt -- very physical, and very, very tiring. Whew. I'm sore! But what great exercise -- can't be beat. And now my garden beds are mostly ready for planting -- my next step, as soon as I can get to it. We are an all-vegetable loving, vegetarian family around here, my husband and kids too. We love our veggies, and we love our fruits. I can hardly wait for our little garden to start producing the good stuff (although that will still be awhile though, sigh).....
Yesterday, I felt the faintest stirrings of wanting to 'snack' a bit, or graze, for the first time in a long while. I'd had my breakfast, I'd had lunch -- but still felt that old familiar feeling of just wanting to 'piece' around in the kitchen a bit more, to open the refridgerator, peer into the cabinets. It wasn't a real strong impulse, just a small one. But I did feel the tiniest flickers of it. And I'm not sure why either. There wasn't any particular 'trigger' that I could think of. A busy morning and day, yes -- but nothing that I'm not used to, what with as busy and active a family as mine. It did occur to me that I'm pretty much in the middle of my menstrual cycle. I have no idea if that has a thing at all to do with anything -- although I do think I've noticed subtle changes in appetite/snackiness according to where I am in my moon time (you too?). Perhaps it would be a good idea to keep track of the feelings vs. the calendar, to see if I recognize some sort of pattern. At any rate, it felt sort of like, "Danger, danger, Will Robinson!". I admit I feel very protective of my young and fragile 'sobriety'. VERY protective. Falling off the wagon somehow and going back to food slavery would surely do me in, I swear. I refuse to return to that crazy emotional/compulsive eating lifestyle....
My solution was to simply leave the house -- it was a gorgeous day and my garden was calling me. I rent a small plot at a community garden in a nearby park, and hadn't touched it yet this spring due to lack of time. Well, I made up for that, spending hours and hours out there yesterday afternoon. I chopped and shaped, spaded and hoed, turning patch upon patch of dirt -- very physical, and very, very tiring. Whew. I'm sore! But what great exercise -- can't be beat. And now my garden beds are mostly ready for planting -- my next step, as soon as I can get to it. We are an all-vegetable loving, vegetarian family around here, my husband and kids too. We love our veggies, and we love our fruits. I can hardly wait for our little garden to start producing the good stuff (although that will still be awhile though, sigh).....
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Boring Background Information, Part Two....
As I attempt to get through each day of eating as nondisordered as possible, I try to take a bit of time for self-examination and reflection -- of where I've been, and where' I'm goin'. It's really become a necessity for me in this process, and my journal here has become I believe a very important and intergral tool in my journey. I need to find and rely on more productive coping strategies than turning to food. And I'm grateful that I do enjoy writing, and have access to this outlet (I only wish I could figure out how to use the spell check feature. Oh well. C'est la vie)...
On that note, I mean to continue a previous entry I posted, several entries down: 'Boring Background Information, Part One'...
As I've stated, I began my dieting odyssey at the tender age of 11 years. What a tumultous time that was--6th grade. The hormones began to surge, the hair and skin got oily, and I became painfully self aware. Like, overnight. Until that time, as with most young children, I wasn't particularly self-conscious -- but suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was geeky, and tall. My posture was terrible. I wore glasses. And I weighed more than most of my peers, not a lot more, but enough -- and I began really processing this for the first time. And in secret, I decided to do something about it.
My sister is 7 or so years older than me, and by that age was already a dieting veteran herself, and a very vocal one at that, so I knew *exactly* what I needed to do. I simply made a conscious effort to eat less. My beloved hot school lunches? I resolved to consume only one food item off my tray daily. That might be just the entree perhaps, or it might be just the vegetable, or maybe even just the dessert -- but every day I chose my one thing. For the first time, classmates were eating the leftover food off MY plate. I also made a point of stepping up my activity. Never gifted with athletic skills, I nonetheless joined the softball team many of my friends played on (though I was truly pitiful, and pretty much hated every second of it). I rode my bike everywhere. I climbed incredibly high up in my treehouse tree -- a beautiful old hard maple taller than my 2-story home. I found special 'spot reducing' exercises in my mom's 'Women's Day' magazines to do. I also became interested in music and dance --dancing for hours by myself in my room to my records, in what I imagined to be in the ballet or jazz style. I was also determined to work on my flexibility, and before long could do the splits and put my head to my knees. All excess weight shed quickly, and I became... lanky.
I've always had a large frame, coming from hearty peasant stock as I do. My hands and feet are big, and my bones broad. At 5'-7", I wear a size 11 shoe. My 5'-10" husband and I can easily swap footwear (and frequently do). I don't remember exactly my height at age 11 or 12 (probably in the area of 5'-3"ish?), but I do remember the number '117' on the scale. I recall that no amount of dieting and exercise could get me below that number, no matter what I tried. And I did try. It was like a game, watching the scale go down. But it's as though my body simply refused to go below 117 pounds....
My hips were wide, even then, and my waist miniscule. Without the extra flesh, my hip bones jutted out like cleavers. I had an accident once, ol' klutzy me, where I fell on my face ice-skating. Actually, it must have been my hip bone that made contact with the hard surface first, perhaps even chipping it or something, because the bruise it left was incredible -- the size of a dinner plate, and rainbow hued, but in concentric circles --with my hip bone the 'bull's eye'. Kinda cool actually....
My weight went up correspondingly as I grew a few more inches, and I did go back to more normal eating at some point -- still, I remained averagely slim for a number of years. And I continued to stay active -- I either walked or rode my bike anywhere I needed to go, and roller skated, ice skated, or went sledding with my friends nearly every weekend. At some point in my 8th grade year, several of my closest pals got it in their heads to try out for cheerleading. I went along with it, though I had my doubts. I was not at all cheerleading material with my introvert self, and deep down I knew it. Still, I threw myself into preparing for the tryouts, spending hours every day in my backyard, practicing my splits and cheers and cartwheels. I got pretty good at a several of the jumps - including the jumping toe touch, a la David Lee Roth (I'm totally dating myself here --does anyone even know who that is anymore?). In the end, to my general relief, not one of us made the team.
At 15 I had my first Serious Boyfriend. A year older, he was angsty, artistic and moody -- in fact, he could probably have been diagnosed as manic depressive, and in time I think he actually was diagnosed. He was also very intense, jealous, and possessive --but all of this was lost on me, because of course I was In Love (insert big puffy heart here). He also slobbered relentlessly over me sexually for the year and one month we dated, for which I wasn't entirely prepared. I do recall being a willing and able participant at first, but he eventually became so demanding and all-consuming and freakish about it that it was really quite repellant. Happily, except for at least two very brief occasions (which to me didn't 'count') we always stopped short of actual intercourse. Thank god. Still, he was all over me, all the time. Ick. Finally I was so sick to death of him and his errant ways that I was ready to get him out of my face. And life. I tried to break it off gently at first, but he refused to let go. So I attempted to get increasingly firmer with him, until at last things got very ugly indeed. He harrassed me, stalking me everywhere. He'd call incessantly, and hang up. I felt like a trapped animal. This all culminated in a huge cat fight in the middle of my high school, last-period art class -- both of us covered in the paint we were throwing at each other, him pinning me down and me kicking and sreaming and scratching the bloody hell out of his face. What a scene that must have been. At any rate, he was suspended from school, and never bothered me again after that.
It was shortly after this that I recall going on another serious diet -- living on cottage cheese and celery/carrot sticks, because that was surely classic diet food. My hip bones began sticking out again. But, I refused to wear shorts....
My senior year of high school, I hooked up with another boy, two years older and already in college. By this time I was maybe around 135 pounds, which, for my height and frame is still pretty slender. I was much in love, and it seemed prudent at the time to perhaps get on birth control pills, as a precautionary measure. I took them for a little while, but was taken very aback when my weight suddenly shot up 10 pounds, while my libido took a nose dive. WTH? Even after discontinuing the pills, neither ever quite went back to their previous levels....
Somewhere in here I decided I loved animals too much to eat them, and began experimenting with vegetarianism.
The summer before college I worked as an intern at a local company. I remember chatting with the secretary, somehow straying onto the topic of food, and confessing to her that I could eat a LOT. She asked me how I stayed so thin. I remember my utter surprise to that comment, my mouth dropping open, and my own response. "But I'm not thin!", I insisted. Sheesh, couldn't she SEE that????
Oh, college. It was a blur of crash dieting and self-loathing. My weight yo-yo'd constantly between 145-160. I thought I was the fattest, most hideous person in town. My self-abuse knew no bounds. I was body-dysmorphic, or whatever it's called -- actually seeing fat where there wasn't any, or at least not nearly as much as I was thinking I was seeing. I was a slave to the scale, weighing myself about every two seconds. I'd go days without eating hardly anything, then get so hungry I couldn't stop fantasizing about food. Then I'd eat quantities of something crappy, with guilt. A date, a test, spring break -- anything was an excuse to jump-start yet another crash diet. There was also the general stress of school. I joined a gym, lifted weights and did aerobics. I took diet pills, and did a lot of social smoking and drinking. This was around the time I stopped wearing pants in favor of dresses and skirts. I went Goth -- wearing big hair, gobs of make-up, and black all the time. This was also the time I began flirting with Bulimia, and laxative abuse -- for which I believe I still suffer lasting effects (as in permanant damage to my digestive system. Nice). I hate to think of the punishment I put my poor body through. My soul too. What a mess. A MESS. And all so unneccessary -- I wasn't that fat! But my head was. It was a very dark period indeed.
Somewhere around this time, hopelessly mired in my obsessions, I also joined a few diet centers, including WW. Only the WW of Then was very different of the WW of Now. They told you what to eat then. Plus they had no idea what to the heck to do with my vegetarianism. Those were the days of Tuna. But I didn't eat tuna -- so, they suggested I substitute with great northen white beans. So everyday I'd eat my little measured scoop of white beans, out of a can, with my green salad, or whatever. Then it was off to Jazzercise class....
About a year after graduation, I moved to the big city to join my college boyfriend. We were discussing marriage. My emotions stabilized somewhat, but I was still prone to dieting abuse and still thought I was hugely fat, when the truth of the matter was that I had a fine, strong and average, body. It's so ironic and terribly sad that I couldn't appreciate it while I had it! (I'm not the only one though -- I've read this same experience over and over in other womens' blogs. What a tradgedy...)...
My timing wasn't perfect -- I moved to the city smack in the middle of a the big economic recession of the late 80's/early 90's. Jobs were scarce, and my finances shaky. I was homesick and depressed. My boyfriend broke up with me, throwing me into a tail spin. My weight creeped up to 165 - 175, or so. That was totally unacceptable. It was winter, and I was scared, insecure, unemployed and unhappy. It was around this time that I attended a free lecture given by Dr. John McDougall, the low-fat, high-carb, strictly whole foods vegan diet guru. Impressed with his teachings, I went on to read all his books. They were soundly scientific, affirming, and spoke to me. I looked upon the McDougall Plan as an opportunity to heal what clearly were my many 'issues' -- with food, with the scale, with my emotions, my health, my war with myself. New Year's Eve of 1991, I made to the resolution to go 'McDougall', all the way. I was vegetarian already, had even experimented years ago with the Diamond's 'Fit For Life' whole-foods program, so it wasn't totally a foreign concept for me -- besides, I was poor as hell and could afford little more than rice, potatoes, lentils, pasta, and onions anyway....
Spring came, and my outlook improved considerably. I finally found employment, working two jobs to make up for lost time. I had no car, so I walked a ton, just to get around, and took public transportation everywhere. I was eating very nutritiously, and felt healthy. And I'd lost weight, following my strict vegan, uber-healthy, low-fat, high-fiber diet. A LOT of weight. But I wasn't sure exactly how much. To wean myself from my dependance on the scale, I went cold turkey when I began the new program, and purposely quit weighing myself, because I didn't want to get caught in that horrible cycle of self-destruction anymore. I did know that my clothes were hanging off of me though.
I was rebounding from a number of things -- depression, isolation, economic insecurity. My break up, my break down. Spring in the big city, my first, was lovely that year. I felt fit and attractive. I was full of optimism and cheer. At one of my two jobs, I met a fellow worker, and we began dating. A whirlwind romance, we were in fact married a mere four months later...
That was nearly 15 years ago now.
To be continued...
On that note, I mean to continue a previous entry I posted, several entries down: 'Boring Background Information, Part One'...
As I've stated, I began my dieting odyssey at the tender age of 11 years. What a tumultous time that was--6th grade. The hormones began to surge, the hair and skin got oily, and I became painfully self aware. Like, overnight. Until that time, as with most young children, I wasn't particularly self-conscious -- but suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was geeky, and tall. My posture was terrible. I wore glasses. And I weighed more than most of my peers, not a lot more, but enough -- and I began really processing this for the first time. And in secret, I decided to do something about it.
My sister is 7 or so years older than me, and by that age was already a dieting veteran herself, and a very vocal one at that, so I knew *exactly* what I needed to do. I simply made a conscious effort to eat less. My beloved hot school lunches? I resolved to consume only one food item off my tray daily. That might be just the entree perhaps, or it might be just the vegetable, or maybe even just the dessert -- but every day I chose my one thing. For the first time, classmates were eating the leftover food off MY plate. I also made a point of stepping up my activity. Never gifted with athletic skills, I nonetheless joined the softball team many of my friends played on (though I was truly pitiful, and pretty much hated every second of it). I rode my bike everywhere. I climbed incredibly high up in my treehouse tree -- a beautiful old hard maple taller than my 2-story home. I found special 'spot reducing' exercises in my mom's 'Women's Day' magazines to do. I also became interested in music and dance --dancing for hours by myself in my room to my records, in what I imagined to be in the ballet or jazz style. I was also determined to work on my flexibility, and before long could do the splits and put my head to my knees. All excess weight shed quickly, and I became... lanky.
I've always had a large frame, coming from hearty peasant stock as I do. My hands and feet are big, and my bones broad. At 5'-7", I wear a size 11 shoe. My 5'-10" husband and I can easily swap footwear (and frequently do). I don't remember exactly my height at age 11 or 12 (probably in the area of 5'-3"ish?), but I do remember the number '117' on the scale. I recall that no amount of dieting and exercise could get me below that number, no matter what I tried. And I did try. It was like a game, watching the scale go down. But it's as though my body simply refused to go below 117 pounds....
My hips were wide, even then, and my waist miniscule. Without the extra flesh, my hip bones jutted out like cleavers. I had an accident once, ol' klutzy me, where I fell on my face ice-skating. Actually, it must have been my hip bone that made contact with the hard surface first, perhaps even chipping it or something, because the bruise it left was incredible -- the size of a dinner plate, and rainbow hued, but in concentric circles --with my hip bone the 'bull's eye'. Kinda cool actually....
My weight went up correspondingly as I grew a few more inches, and I did go back to more normal eating at some point -- still, I remained averagely slim for a number of years. And I continued to stay active -- I either walked or rode my bike anywhere I needed to go, and roller skated, ice skated, or went sledding with my friends nearly every weekend. At some point in my 8th grade year, several of my closest pals got it in their heads to try out for cheerleading. I went along with it, though I had my doubts. I was not at all cheerleading material with my introvert self, and deep down I knew it. Still, I threw myself into preparing for the tryouts, spending hours every day in my backyard, practicing my splits and cheers and cartwheels. I got pretty good at a several of the jumps - including the jumping toe touch, a la David Lee Roth (I'm totally dating myself here --does anyone even know who that is anymore?). In the end, to my general relief, not one of us made the team.
At 15 I had my first Serious Boyfriend. A year older, he was angsty, artistic and moody -- in fact, he could probably have been diagnosed as manic depressive, and in time I think he actually was diagnosed. He was also very intense, jealous, and possessive --but all of this was lost on me, because of course I was In Love (insert big puffy heart here). He also slobbered relentlessly over me sexually for the year and one month we dated, for which I wasn't entirely prepared. I do recall being a willing and able participant at first, but he eventually became so demanding and all-consuming and freakish about it that it was really quite repellant. Happily, except for at least two very brief occasions (which to me didn't 'count') we always stopped short of actual intercourse. Thank god. Still, he was all over me, all the time. Ick. Finally I was so sick to death of him and his errant ways that I was ready to get him out of my face. And life. I tried to break it off gently at first, but he refused to let go. So I attempted to get increasingly firmer with him, until at last things got very ugly indeed. He harrassed me, stalking me everywhere. He'd call incessantly, and hang up. I felt like a trapped animal. This all culminated in a huge cat fight in the middle of my high school, last-period art class -- both of us covered in the paint we were throwing at each other, him pinning me down and me kicking and sreaming and scratching the bloody hell out of his face. What a scene that must have been. At any rate, he was suspended from school, and never bothered me again after that.
It was shortly after this that I recall going on another serious diet -- living on cottage cheese and celery/carrot sticks, because that was surely classic diet food. My hip bones began sticking out again. But, I refused to wear shorts....
My senior year of high school, I hooked up with another boy, two years older and already in college. By this time I was maybe around 135 pounds, which, for my height and frame is still pretty slender. I was much in love, and it seemed prudent at the time to perhaps get on birth control pills, as a precautionary measure. I took them for a little while, but was taken very aback when my weight suddenly shot up 10 pounds, while my libido took a nose dive. WTH? Even after discontinuing the pills, neither ever quite went back to their previous levels....
Somewhere in here I decided I loved animals too much to eat them, and began experimenting with vegetarianism.
The summer before college I worked as an intern at a local company. I remember chatting with the secretary, somehow straying onto the topic of food, and confessing to her that I could eat a LOT. She asked me how I stayed so thin. I remember my utter surprise to that comment, my mouth dropping open, and my own response. "But I'm not thin!", I insisted. Sheesh, couldn't she SEE that????
Oh, college. It was a blur of crash dieting and self-loathing. My weight yo-yo'd constantly between 145-160. I thought I was the fattest, most hideous person in town. My self-abuse knew no bounds. I was body-dysmorphic, or whatever it's called -- actually seeing fat where there wasn't any, or at least not nearly as much as I was thinking I was seeing. I was a slave to the scale, weighing myself about every two seconds. I'd go days without eating hardly anything, then get so hungry I couldn't stop fantasizing about food. Then I'd eat quantities of something crappy, with guilt. A date, a test, spring break -- anything was an excuse to jump-start yet another crash diet. There was also the general stress of school. I joined a gym, lifted weights and did aerobics. I took diet pills, and did a lot of social smoking and drinking. This was around the time I stopped wearing pants in favor of dresses and skirts. I went Goth -- wearing big hair, gobs of make-up, and black all the time. This was also the time I began flirting with Bulimia, and laxative abuse -- for which I believe I still suffer lasting effects (as in permanant damage to my digestive system. Nice). I hate to think of the punishment I put my poor body through. My soul too. What a mess. A MESS. And all so unneccessary -- I wasn't that fat! But my head was. It was a very dark period indeed.
Somewhere around this time, hopelessly mired in my obsessions, I also joined a few diet centers, including WW. Only the WW of Then was very different of the WW of Now. They told you what to eat then. Plus they had no idea what to the heck to do with my vegetarianism. Those were the days of Tuna. But I didn't eat tuna -- so, they suggested I substitute with great northen white beans. So everyday I'd eat my little measured scoop of white beans, out of a can, with my green salad, or whatever. Then it was off to Jazzercise class....
About a year after graduation, I moved to the big city to join my college boyfriend. We were discussing marriage. My emotions stabilized somewhat, but I was still prone to dieting abuse and still thought I was hugely fat, when the truth of the matter was that I had a fine, strong and average, body. It's so ironic and terribly sad that I couldn't appreciate it while I had it! (I'm not the only one though -- I've read this same experience over and over in other womens' blogs. What a tradgedy...)...
My timing wasn't perfect -- I moved to the city smack in the middle of a the big economic recession of the late 80's/early 90's. Jobs were scarce, and my finances shaky. I was homesick and depressed. My boyfriend broke up with me, throwing me into a tail spin. My weight creeped up to 165 - 175, or so. That was totally unacceptable. It was winter, and I was scared, insecure, unemployed and unhappy. It was around this time that I attended a free lecture given by Dr. John McDougall, the low-fat, high-carb, strictly whole foods vegan diet guru. Impressed with his teachings, I went on to read all his books. They were soundly scientific, affirming, and spoke to me. I looked upon the McDougall Plan as an opportunity to heal what clearly were my many 'issues' -- with food, with the scale, with my emotions, my health, my war with myself. New Year's Eve of 1991, I made to the resolution to go 'McDougall', all the way. I was vegetarian already, had even experimented years ago with the Diamond's 'Fit For Life' whole-foods program, so it wasn't totally a foreign concept for me -- besides, I was poor as hell and could afford little more than rice, potatoes, lentils, pasta, and onions anyway....
Spring came, and my outlook improved considerably. I finally found employment, working two jobs to make up for lost time. I had no car, so I walked a ton, just to get around, and took public transportation everywhere. I was eating very nutritiously, and felt healthy. And I'd lost weight, following my strict vegan, uber-healthy, low-fat, high-fiber diet. A LOT of weight. But I wasn't sure exactly how much. To wean myself from my dependance on the scale, I went cold turkey when I began the new program, and purposely quit weighing myself, because I didn't want to get caught in that horrible cycle of self-destruction anymore. I did know that my clothes were hanging off of me though.
I was rebounding from a number of things -- depression, isolation, economic insecurity. My break up, my break down. Spring in the big city, my first, was lovely that year. I felt fit and attractive. I was full of optimism and cheer. At one of my two jobs, I met a fellow worker, and we began dating. A whirlwind romance, we were in fact married a mere four months later...
That was nearly 15 years ago now.
To be continued...
Let's Get Physical...
I'm off to take a walk, a pretty long one too, as I go to catch up with the rest of my family out at the youth soccer fields. Now that the weather is soo beautiful here, I'm looking forward to incorporating more activity into my daily life after a sorely exercise-starved winter. I'll be doing more walking and lots of gardening. Hanging laundry on the line. Spring cleaning. Yard work.
I do have a long history of jump-starting highly ambitious exercise programs that start off with a bang, keeping up with them for months or more, pushing myself, before gradually finding myself dropping off because they don't prove to be sustainable for the long-term. It typically tapers off almost imperceptibly -- but little by little, I find myself making excuses to shorten workouts, or even skip them outright, rationalizing the whole time, while swearing to myself I'll be right back at it. Tomorrow. Next week. Over time it simply becomes harder and harder to maintain my motivation, as I lose steam, get bored with the program, or just plain burned out. Then comes that 'All or Nothing' mindset -- which is a real trap. The attitude that any exercise short of killing myself with the effort of simply doing it wont do at all -- so what's the point? Eh, I may as well sit my booty down in front of the bloody computer for several hours...
Well, I now recognize this pattern at least. And I think I finally understand that it really isn't necessary to go nuts with the exercise to receive health benefits from physical activity. Yes, I have a slow metabolism that probably needs to be shaken up a bit and would probably benefit with a more regularly rigorous activity program. Yes, I wish I were one of those naturally athletic people with stamina doing all sorts of amazing physical feats, even while poking the big 4-0 with a short stick, like me. One of those people who dont' look upon exercise as drudgery, a necessary evil. Yes, I not infrequently use my motherhood, my schedule, my physicality (or lack thereof), and my age all as excuses....
And yes, my walk today will do very nicely indeed....
I do have a long history of jump-starting highly ambitious exercise programs that start off with a bang, keeping up with them for months or more, pushing myself, before gradually finding myself dropping off because they don't prove to be sustainable for the long-term. It typically tapers off almost imperceptibly -- but little by little, I find myself making excuses to shorten workouts, or even skip them outright, rationalizing the whole time, while swearing to myself I'll be right back at it. Tomorrow. Next week. Over time it simply becomes harder and harder to maintain my motivation, as I lose steam, get bored with the program, or just plain burned out. Then comes that 'All or Nothing' mindset -- which is a real trap. The attitude that any exercise short of killing myself with the effort of simply doing it wont do at all -- so what's the point? Eh, I may as well sit my booty down in front of the bloody computer for several hours...
Well, I now recognize this pattern at least. And I think I finally understand that it really isn't necessary to go nuts with the exercise to receive health benefits from physical activity. Yes, I have a slow metabolism that probably needs to be shaken up a bit and would probably benefit with a more regularly rigorous activity program. Yes, I wish I were one of those naturally athletic people with stamina doing all sorts of amazing physical feats, even while poking the big 4-0 with a short stick, like me. One of those people who dont' look upon exercise as drudgery, a necessary evil. Yes, I not infrequently use my motherhood, my schedule, my physicality (or lack thereof), and my age all as excuses....
And yes, my walk today will do very nicely indeed....
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
This is not a 'diet', but....
...I did give myself a little weigh this evening. I'd stopped by my folks to retrieve our critters (who had been in their care while we were away), used their bathroom before I left -- and there sat their scale, an irresistable mere inches away. I know I've mentioned I'm trying not to focus overly much on what the scale says in my quest to cure my disordered emotionally charged, compulsive eating habits -- still, I felt compelled to take the opportunity since we don't own one. And it was with relief too. I'm 242 -- down 8 pounds....
This amount is significant to me on a couple of levels. For one thing, it's the exact number I was recorded as weighing about 2 1/2 years ago, upon joining Weight Watchers. I can recall how disheartening that was at the time, because having not weighed myself (by choice) for years and years (even turning my back when stepping on the scale at the doc office -- the nurses were very accomodating about that), I was clueless as to the exact amount. And needless to say, I recall how I hadn't expected it to be quite so much (wince). But I took it in stride, squared my shoulders and resolved to give The Plan (points) the good college try. And I did, there for awhile, getting as low as 225 without a terrible lot of effort, just as I was also coming off a heavy-duty summer exercise program -- and just before encountering a very stubborn plateau. A VERY stubborn plateau. Gradually, in time, I became frustrated with the amount of money I was spending on meetings, without seeing the scale budge. Plus, tracking points was becoming ...what? Tiresome? You know the story. Eventually I made the fateful decision to discontinue WW to try going it alone (ahem). And I did hold steady, at least for a time -- in fact it took all this time, years really, to gain the weight back. But gain it back I did of course -- and then some. When I attempted rejoining WW again this past January, I weighed in at that first meeting at 245. Ouch. Oh, how I longed to just see 242 again. 2-4-2. Funny how a number that seemed oppressively awful only a few short years ago, should suddenly have been almost welcomed....
My WW experience of this past January was of an altogether different animal, this last round when I came crawling back. I began it with the sincerest intentions (New Year's resolutions et al). But instead of the easy initial weight loss of my previous attempt? This time I stalled out right from the beginning, my head not being in the right place. My body neither. The first several weeks were disasterous, and I ended up chucking it all early on in utter discouragement and disgust -- managing instead to gain an additional 5 pounds, in Feb/early March, with yet another sustained bout of out-of-control eating, before waking myself up with the slap of Reality (all 250 pounds of it)....
So it's happy I am to see my old friend, 242. Feels kind of like starting fresh.....
This amount is significant to me on a couple of levels. For one thing, it's the exact number I was recorded as weighing about 2 1/2 years ago, upon joining Weight Watchers. I can recall how disheartening that was at the time, because having not weighed myself (by choice) for years and years (even turning my back when stepping on the scale at the doc office -- the nurses were very accomodating about that), I was clueless as to the exact amount. And needless to say, I recall how I hadn't expected it to be quite so much (wince). But I took it in stride, squared my shoulders and resolved to give The Plan (points) the good college try. And I did, there for awhile, getting as low as 225 without a terrible lot of effort, just as I was also coming off a heavy-duty summer exercise program -- and just before encountering a very stubborn plateau. A VERY stubborn plateau. Gradually, in time, I became frustrated with the amount of money I was spending on meetings, without seeing the scale budge. Plus, tracking points was becoming ...what? Tiresome? You know the story. Eventually I made the fateful decision to discontinue WW to try going it alone (ahem). And I did hold steady, at least for a time -- in fact it took all this time, years really, to gain the weight back. But gain it back I did of course -- and then some. When I attempted rejoining WW again this past January, I weighed in at that first meeting at 245. Ouch. Oh, how I longed to just see 242 again. 2-4-2. Funny how a number that seemed oppressively awful only a few short years ago, should suddenly have been almost welcomed....
My WW experience of this past January was of an altogether different animal, this last round when I came crawling back. I began it with the sincerest intentions (New Year's resolutions et al). But instead of the easy initial weight loss of my previous attempt? This time I stalled out right from the beginning, my head not being in the right place. My body neither. The first several weeks were disasterous, and I ended up chucking it all early on in utter discouragement and disgust -- managing instead to gain an additional 5 pounds, in Feb/early March, with yet another sustained bout of out-of-control eating, before waking myself up with the slap of Reality (all 250 pounds of it)....
So it's happy I am to see my old friend, 242. Feels kind of like starting fresh.....
Home again, home again....
The visit went well. Everyone behaved themselves and we all had a nice time -- plus we couldn't have asked for better weather...
On the whole, I felt that I kept my consumption within reasonable and non-disordered limits during the visit, despite the easter candy floating around and dining out no less than three times. Yes, I did have a few pieces of easter candy over the past few days. As in a little -- not a lot. And, during two of the three times eating out, I did nibble just a little past the point of fullness (the third time not) -- again that's a little past that point, not considerably so (as I have been fully capable of doing in the past). Both those times, that meal turned out to be pretty much my main one of the day (one of said meals being a single trip to the salad bar plus two medium slices of thin-crust pizza at Pizza Hut, for example), so I'm not sweating it....
Ahhh, it is nice to be home though.....
On the whole, I felt that I kept my consumption within reasonable and non-disordered limits during the visit, despite the easter candy floating around and dining out no less than three times. Yes, I did have a few pieces of easter candy over the past few days. As in a little -- not a lot. And, during two of the three times eating out, I did nibble just a little past the point of fullness (the third time not) -- again that's a little past that point, not considerably so (as I have been fully capable of doing in the past). Both those times, that meal turned out to be pretty much my main one of the day (one of said meals being a single trip to the salad bar plus two medium slices of thin-crust pizza at Pizza Hut, for example), so I'm not sweating it....
Ahhh, it is nice to be home though.....
Saturday, April 15, 2006
license to ill
We'll be leaving this afternoon for an out-of-state trip, to visit my husband's granny, as we do every year, for Easter. There will be gobs of Easter candy and most likely a few restaurant meals thrown in --particularly to a buffet-style place or two in her little town. The food's not great at these establishments, and I'm vegetarian besides, so that limits my selection considerably -- still, it hasn't stopped me from managing to over-indulge to the nth degree in the past. Our family doesn't eat out often (due primarily to the expense) and I still very much have the 'Dining Out is a Big and Rare Treat' mentality sometimes, like it's some sort of license to go nuts and fill my plate to the brim. I have to remind myself that it's just food. Just food. (And not even particularly good food at that)....
Friday, April 14, 2006
Waist Not, Want Not
My waistline is sort of like a natural weight barometer for me -- I can tell about where I'm 'at' according to how my waist 'feels'. When I'm feeling bloated and puffy about the waist, or it doesn't flatten out in that old familiar, comforting way when I lie on my back, I know I'm in trouble....
My general body shape is thus: I am extremely loooong in the torso, with comically short legs. My waistline is high, man -- I mean way up there (I recall when I was pregnant and excited and so impatient to 'show' -- and it taking forever, because apparently the babies had so much abdominal cavity to wallow in before they were forced to actually start growing out). So, as such, much of my excess weight tends to settle on my hips, butt, and thick thighs -- most ESPECIALLY my butt which, truly, is a force to be reckoned with. But I'm not exactly pear-shaped either, because of my broad shoulders. The full effect is basically hour glass. In proportion to the rest of me, my waist is quite small. That's proportionally speaking. Never mind the loose, protruding potbelly of my lower abdomen, or the flab bubbling a little over my bra straps above -- No, I'm talking WAIST here.
Buying pants has been a challenge my whole life, because of my curvy shape. Often to get them to fit in comfortably through the hips, the waist ended up loose and baggy. Conversely, typically if the pants were to fit my waist, I wouldn't be able to get them above my knees. I've FINALLY found happiness in L.L.Bean Women's Relaxed Fit Wide Leg Jeans, so I'm all set (and the problem was much more pronounced when I was thinner anyway)-- but before that, back in the late 80's and early 90's, I gave up wearing pants altogether because I just couldn't find any to fit, particularly with that straight-legged style that was so popular then. Instead I took to wearing dresses and skirts, all the time, any season, any occaision. And it was a good look for me really, when I was slim, as it showed off my best asset (waist), while downplaying my least (hips/butt/thighs) -- though it was not always practical. Like, going canoeing for instance. Plus people who did not know me well sometimes mistook me for being conservative Christian....
The fact of the matter is, I have a love/hate relationship with my waist. It's typically the last place I gain weight, and the first place I lose it. When my pants start to fit snug and feel tight in through the waist, it's absolutely the Worst Feeling in the world for me and I don't want to get out of bed. On the other hand, when the ol' waist 'feels' flatter and smaller? -- makes me feel almost positively skinny, even at 245 or whatever the heck pounds I am right now (have no scale at home remember? --by choice). Well, my waistbands were all TIGHT several weeks ago. And now...they're not....
What a feeling of relief that is.....
My general body shape is thus: I am extremely loooong in the torso, with comically short legs. My waistline is high, man -- I mean way up there (I recall when I was pregnant and excited and so impatient to 'show' -- and it taking forever, because apparently the babies had so much abdominal cavity to wallow in before they were forced to actually start growing out). So, as such, much of my excess weight tends to settle on my hips, butt, and thick thighs -- most ESPECIALLY my butt which, truly, is a force to be reckoned with. But I'm not exactly pear-shaped either, because of my broad shoulders. The full effect is basically hour glass. In proportion to the rest of me, my waist is quite small. That's proportionally speaking. Never mind the loose, protruding potbelly of my lower abdomen, or the flab bubbling a little over my bra straps above -- No, I'm talking WAIST here.
Buying pants has been a challenge my whole life, because of my curvy shape. Often to get them to fit in comfortably through the hips, the waist ended up loose and baggy. Conversely, typically if the pants were to fit my waist, I wouldn't be able to get them above my knees. I've FINALLY found happiness in L.L.Bean Women's Relaxed Fit Wide Leg Jeans, so I'm all set (and the problem was much more pronounced when I was thinner anyway)-- but before that, back in the late 80's and early 90's, I gave up wearing pants altogether because I just couldn't find any to fit, particularly with that straight-legged style that was so popular then. Instead I took to wearing dresses and skirts, all the time, any season, any occaision. And it was a good look for me really, when I was slim, as it showed off my best asset (waist), while downplaying my least (hips/butt/thighs) -- though it was not always practical. Like, going canoeing for instance. Plus people who did not know me well sometimes mistook me for being conservative Christian....
The fact of the matter is, I have a love/hate relationship with my waist. It's typically the last place I gain weight, and the first place I lose it. When my pants start to fit snug and feel tight in through the waist, it's absolutely the Worst Feeling in the world for me and I don't want to get out of bed. On the other hand, when the ol' waist 'feels' flatter and smaller? -- makes me feel almost positively skinny, even at 245 or whatever the heck pounds I am right now (have no scale at home remember? --by choice). Well, my waistbands were all TIGHT several weeks ago. And now...they're not....
What a feeling of relief that is.....
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Yard Work Is Hard Work ('Specially When Yer Fat)
Well, the jeans had to come off. There was just a little too much constriction happening there, even after wearing them a few hours. I did find an old, grungy and highly worn out pair to put on. Sex-ay. We'll try the new pair another time. I was off to do a little yard work anyway. Which I like to do, because I actually do enjoy activity in general. Usually. Especially on days as beautiful and sunny as this one was. The only problem was, after a whole winter of sedentary slothfulness? I am really out of shape, woefully so --and I think I could feel every single bit of my 100 or so (100? Really??? Yikes.) excessive poundages as I tramped around out there in my big yard, moving sticks and logs around and transplanting. Not a particularly enjoyable sensation -- that general 'heaviness', especially when I'm actually trying to get something accomplished. But at least it was an affirmation of why I'm trying to get a few out-of-control habits UNDER control, and maybe even some resolution to at least one (of several) unresolved issues in my life. And, perhaps the excess weight helps burn more calories during physical activity? I'm just saying (because overall? I'm actually trying to avoid that whole diet mental mindset if I can help it -- I do believe it's a trigger for me) ....
It's funny how I can sometimes forget how big I've become though, until I recieve a friendly little tap on the shoulder like that. I mean, 'Hel-LO! You weigh a helluva lot, girlfriend...!'....
No disordered eating for me today so far. Yay.
It's funny how I can sometimes forget how big I've become though, until I recieve a friendly little tap on the shoulder like that. I mean, 'Hel-LO! You weigh a helluva lot, girlfriend...!'....
No disordered eating for me today so far. Yay.
Blue Lue's Blue Jeans
I'm wearing the previously mentioned brand-new, never worn, L.L.Bean, Relaxed Fit, Size 18 Women's jeans I got last X-mas, and hadn't been able to get into, until now. They zip without lying down, and that's good enough for me. Slightly tighty -- but they're stretching a little already. My old jeans are in the wash, and I needed something to wear -- besides it's getting so warm this spring already that if I don't start wearing them now it'll be too hot before long....
Yesterday was another day of non-disordered eating for me. Three meals, and only a little sanctioned snacking. That was on a small bit of candy I made a point of purchasing for myself yesterday afternoon, while shopping for my kids' easter goodies, and staring down bags upon bags of pounds upon pounds of discounted brand-name chocolate in the aisles of Big Lots (actually, chocolate isn't a huge temptation for me anyway, for some reason. A small one sometimes, but not huge.). I did select purposefully for myself an interesting candy item that caught my eye -- a sour cherry something or other, in a tube, because I am partial to sweet/tart things --but, upon trying it, it wasn't that exciting and was happy to toss most of it. Whatever....
I noticed I did feel a little pick-sy at dinner though. That was a typical eating pattern of mine for years-- to eat a serving of a meal, and then maybe even a second serving. Fine. But THEN to continue complusively picking at the food, putting little dibs and dabs on my plate -- dibs and dabs, dabs and dibs -- until it finally amounted to who knows how much. And me not even being fully aware of what I was doing. Last night what I made for dinner tasted good to me, and after my first serving I did feel that momentary urge to 'pick' at it a little. But, I recognized that old habit, and stopped.
Yesterday was another day of non-disordered eating for me. Three meals, and only a little sanctioned snacking. That was on a small bit of candy I made a point of purchasing for myself yesterday afternoon, while shopping for my kids' easter goodies, and staring down bags upon bags of pounds upon pounds of discounted brand-name chocolate in the aisles of Big Lots (actually, chocolate isn't a huge temptation for me anyway, for some reason. A small one sometimes, but not huge.). I did select purposefully for myself an interesting candy item that caught my eye -- a sour cherry something or other, in a tube, because I am partial to sweet/tart things --but, upon trying it, it wasn't that exciting and was happy to toss most of it. Whatever....
I noticed I did feel a little pick-sy at dinner though. That was a typical eating pattern of mine for years-- to eat a serving of a meal, and then maybe even a second serving. Fine. But THEN to continue complusively picking at the food, putting little dibs and dabs on my plate -- dibs and dabs, dabs and dibs -- until it finally amounted to who knows how much. And me not even being fully aware of what I was doing. Last night what I made for dinner tasted good to me, and after my first serving I did feel that momentary urge to 'pick' at it a little. But, I recognized that old habit, and stopped.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
"Off"
Yesterday was another day of non-disordered eating for me, for which I am very thankful (thank you, thank you). I guess it really is a one-day-at-a-time thing.
And it's really a little bit odd too. Like a switch, that suddenly got shut off. One day of rummaging around in the kitchen, nervously picking and consuming whatever I could get my hands on, and the next day ... not. I'm not going out of my way to prepare special diet meals either, nor am I abstaining. I'm just trying to be 'normal' (whatever that may be) with food -- and yesterday was a 'good' day in that regard (as was the day before that, and the day before that). I'm hoping today will be too. I'm not exactly sure what happened in terms of my apparent on/off switch, or how -- but I'm going with it. And I want to keep it going, encourage it to stick around, as long as it can. Staying 'off'. It feels very freeing. But it also feels very fragile....
And that's the part of the purpose of this blog for me, and why I began it. To get those thoughts and emotions and feelings out there. Out on the table, naked and vulnerable. To feel them, poke them. To explore and express them.And I'm sensitive, oh so sensitive. I know I have 'triggers' too --plus, I tend to be a very hyper-private person (I'm going to try very hard to suspend my privacy inhibitions for the sake of this journal. The anonymity helps of course), and I internalize far too much for my own good. Repression, I suspect you may be where I get into trouble. I need to get up close and personal with ...myself.
I began this journey of self-healing several weeks ago now, though, even after consulting the calendar this morning, I can't pin-point exactly what day that might have been, if indeed it did begin on any one particular day (I think not, it was more subconscious and gradual than that). So, for the sake of simplicity, I'm going to claim the day of my first entry, April 7th, as my official first day (of the rest of my life)....
And it's really a little bit odd too. Like a switch, that suddenly got shut off. One day of rummaging around in the kitchen, nervously picking and consuming whatever I could get my hands on, and the next day ... not. I'm not going out of my way to prepare special diet meals either, nor am I abstaining. I'm just trying to be 'normal' (whatever that may be) with food -- and yesterday was a 'good' day in that regard (as was the day before that, and the day before that). I'm hoping today will be too. I'm not exactly sure what happened in terms of my apparent on/off switch, or how -- but I'm going with it. And I want to keep it going, encourage it to stick around, as long as it can. Staying 'off'. It feels very freeing. But it also feels very fragile....
And that's the part of the purpose of this blog for me, and why I began it. To get those thoughts and emotions and feelings out there. Out on the table, naked and vulnerable. To feel them, poke them. To explore and express them.And I'm sensitive, oh so sensitive. I know I have 'triggers' too --plus, I tend to be a very hyper-private person (I'm going to try very hard to suspend my privacy inhibitions for the sake of this journal. The anonymity helps of course), and I internalize far too much for my own good. Repression, I suspect you may be where I get into trouble. I need to get up close and personal with ...myself.
I began this journey of self-healing several weeks ago now, though, even after consulting the calendar this morning, I can't pin-point exactly what day that might have been, if indeed it did begin on any one particular day (I think not, it was more subconscious and gradual than that). So, for the sake of simplicity, I'm going to claim the day of my first entry, April 7th, as my official first day (of the rest of my life)....
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Boring Background Information, Part One....
So, as stated in my profile, I have 'food issues'. As in 'issues with food'. As in, 'problem eating'. As in, 'unhealthful dining habits'. As in..., 'I abuse food, like a drug, as a numbing measure, an avoidance factor, a stalling technique, a comfort mechanism, a stress reliever and a crutch to help cope and deal with the challenges, both pleasant and unpleasant, of Real Life'. You know, those kinds of issues.....
Well. At least now I can finally admit it to myself....
I've been food-preoccupied for about as long as I can remember....
Mom was a very good cook, and was confident and satisfied in her role as homemaker in the 60's and 70's. She and dad were both depression-era farm kids from huge families. Farmers consume a lot of food, appropriately so for the amount of physical labor involved, particularly back in the day. There were lots of brothers and uncles and farmhands in their childhoods, doing lots of hard, sweaty work and eating lots of rich farm food. Nothing was wasted. Sunday Dinner was an institution. Mom grew up and married, and stayed slim despite the fact she continued the habit of cooking for an army, though we were only a family of six, living in town. My parents gardened, and mom prepared nearly everything from scratch. Meals of my childhood (which was happy by the way) were of the traditional fare, and tasty, and we were encouraged to clean our plates. Although I despised liver and okra and green beans with a passion (now love okra and beans of all kinds), I generally didn't need to be persuaded....
We rarely ate out, but when we did it was a giNORmous treat. I loved McDonald's in particular. I would order a Big Mac, just like Dad, although I was a mere young girlchild, and he was an adult man. That struck me as funny even then. Then I'd secretly try to compete with him in finishing mine first (and typically 'win')....
I had a country cousin close in age to me, an only child, and adopted, who was very indulged in nearly every way. I'd go out and spend days at a time with my aunt and uncle in summers, running around having adventures on the farm. He was an insanely picky eater, my cousin, and stick skinny. He did like eating fast food out though, so his family often would, not infrequently bringing me along. They'd also take us to movies --stocking up at the concession stand first before going in the theater. His mom kept all manner of much coveted-by-me snack foods in the kitchen cupboards -- goodies of the Little Debbie variety, or Oreos (my favorite, which my mom NEVER bought) and also stuff like 'astronaut food' -- paper tubes of chocolatey fudge sticks, or something like that? Well, whatever it was, it was hopelessly exotic to me -- and I'd occasionally try to raid her kitchen drawers and sneak a little when I thought no one was looking....
Being the youngest in my family, at some point my mom must have grown tired of packing brown bags for me in grade school, and was quite willing to purchase hot lunches when I finally requested them. Unlike many kids, I was very much partial to the school lunches -- in particular the hot rolls, the instant mashed potatoes (we always had the real deal at home), the sloppy joes, the salisbury steak, pizza, and fish sandwiches. And I always ate my sides -- the scoop of whatever veggie, the glistening canned fruit. In fact, I would often finish other's lunches for them, when they disliked whatever was served and didn't want it (which was often). When it was fish sandwhich day, for example -- I typically had many offers. I remember thinking, 'Score!'. One of my closest friends at them time was also very food-oriented, and we figured out we could entertain the other kids at the lunch table, by consuming weird combinations of food -- like putting jello upon some corn, upon our mashed potatoes, upon our rolls. The other kids would moan, "You're REALLY going to eat that????". And we would indeed, and they would all groan in protest. Everyone would laugh. We thought it was hilarious....
I was lucky though, because for most of my childhood, despite all the extra calories, while I wasn't the slimmest child around, I wasn't the fattest either. Never an athlete by any stretch of the imagination, I was none-the-less an active kid --climbing trees, riding my bike and running around. And I was quite tall for a long time, compared to my peers, until they finally caught up to me in Jr. High (when I topped out at 5'-7"). Still, being a head or more over everybody until that time, and having such big hands and feet for my age, plus those few extra pounds, always gave me the self-perception of being quite the gargantuan. Finally, by the time I was 10, I was getting noticeably chunkier, although I can't say I was particularly bothered by it yet. By 11 though, I started my period. Then, in short order, I developed my first crush, to a yukky little loser boy in my class --and thus began my first diet, totally self-imposed, in the sixth grade....
Well. At least now I can finally admit it to myself....
I've been food-preoccupied for about as long as I can remember....
Mom was a very good cook, and was confident and satisfied in her role as homemaker in the 60's and 70's. She and dad were both depression-era farm kids from huge families. Farmers consume a lot of food, appropriately so for the amount of physical labor involved, particularly back in the day. There were lots of brothers and uncles and farmhands in their childhoods, doing lots of hard, sweaty work and eating lots of rich farm food. Nothing was wasted. Sunday Dinner was an institution. Mom grew up and married, and stayed slim despite the fact she continued the habit of cooking for an army, though we were only a family of six, living in town. My parents gardened, and mom prepared nearly everything from scratch. Meals of my childhood (which was happy by the way) were of the traditional fare, and tasty, and we were encouraged to clean our plates. Although I despised liver and okra and green beans with a passion (now love okra and beans of all kinds), I generally didn't need to be persuaded....
We rarely ate out, but when we did it was a giNORmous treat. I loved McDonald's in particular. I would order a Big Mac, just like Dad, although I was a mere young girlchild, and he was an adult man. That struck me as funny even then. Then I'd secretly try to compete with him in finishing mine first (and typically 'win')....
I had a country cousin close in age to me, an only child, and adopted, who was very indulged in nearly every way. I'd go out and spend days at a time with my aunt and uncle in summers, running around having adventures on the farm. He was an insanely picky eater, my cousin, and stick skinny. He did like eating fast food out though, so his family often would, not infrequently bringing me along. They'd also take us to movies --stocking up at the concession stand first before going in the theater. His mom kept all manner of much coveted-by-me snack foods in the kitchen cupboards -- goodies of the Little Debbie variety, or Oreos (my favorite, which my mom NEVER bought) and also stuff like 'astronaut food' -- paper tubes of chocolatey fudge sticks, or something like that? Well, whatever it was, it was hopelessly exotic to me -- and I'd occasionally try to raid her kitchen drawers and sneak a little when I thought no one was looking....
Being the youngest in my family, at some point my mom must have grown tired of packing brown bags for me in grade school, and was quite willing to purchase hot lunches when I finally requested them. Unlike many kids, I was very much partial to the school lunches -- in particular the hot rolls, the instant mashed potatoes (we always had the real deal at home), the sloppy joes, the salisbury steak, pizza, and fish sandwiches. And I always ate my sides -- the scoop of whatever veggie, the glistening canned fruit. In fact, I would often finish other's lunches for them, when they disliked whatever was served and didn't want it (which was often). When it was fish sandwhich day, for example -- I typically had many offers. I remember thinking, 'Score!'. One of my closest friends at them time was also very food-oriented, and we figured out we could entertain the other kids at the lunch table, by consuming weird combinations of food -- like putting jello upon some corn, upon our mashed potatoes, upon our rolls. The other kids would moan, "You're REALLY going to eat that????". And we would indeed, and they would all groan in protest. Everyone would laugh. We thought it was hilarious....
I was lucky though, because for most of my childhood, despite all the extra calories, while I wasn't the slimmest child around, I wasn't the fattest either. Never an athlete by any stretch of the imagination, I was none-the-less an active kid --climbing trees, riding my bike and running around. And I was quite tall for a long time, compared to my peers, until they finally caught up to me in Jr. High (when I topped out at 5'-7"). Still, being a head or more over everybody until that time, and having such big hands and feet for my age, plus those few extra pounds, always gave me the self-perception of being quite the gargantuan. Finally, by the time I was 10, I was getting noticeably chunkier, although I can't say I was particularly bothered by it yet. By 11 though, I started my period. Then, in short order, I developed my first crush, to a yukky little loser boy in my class --and thus began my first diet, totally self-imposed, in the sixth grade....
Monday, April 10, 2006
Eye Opener
My jeans are feeling looser on this sunny spring morning (plus, I can comfortably suck my stomach in without superhuman effort -- starting my period two days ago probably didn't hurt in that matter), and for it I am eternally grateful. This small revelation even encouraged me to try on the brand new, never worn, L.L.Bean Relaxed Fit, size 18 Women's, X-mas, haven't-been-able-to-get-into-since-I-received-them jeans...and...., they weren't terrible. Still on the snugly side, but they're zipping. And that's a start. Actually I'd say it's pretty close -- just another few pounds until they're truly comfortable. I could probably get by with wearing them even now because they'd stretch a bit -- but, I've waited this long, so what's a little more waiting....
It's been a few weeks now since I, with not-a-little trepidation, stepped on the scale in the bathroom of a relative's house (we don't own a scale ourselves), and registered the numbers 2-5-0. (...!!!...), nearly causing me to pitch myself off the thing right then and there. Never could I have imagined I'd ever see those numbers, strung together like that, in that order, in relation to my weight, in relation to me.
I gulped and swallowed hard. And then I began thinking. And thinking some more....
My previous all-time highest recorded weight was 245 pounds, what I weighed in just a few short months ago, back in January upon rejoining (emphasis on the 're') Weight Watchers. I thought THAT had been a shock -- and yet there I was, now 5 pounds HEAVIER (while $145 membership dollars lighter. Go me). Good Lord. Where was this going to end? When was it going to stop? Could it stop? Yes. It had to. But how??? How could I stop it?????
I think I saw a little of The Light that day. And I'm clinging to hope it was a turning point....
It's been a few weeks now since I, with not-a-little trepidation, stepped on the scale in the bathroom of a relative's house (we don't own a scale ourselves), and registered the numbers 2-5-0. (...!!!...), nearly causing me to pitch myself off the thing right then and there. Never could I have imagined I'd ever see those numbers, strung together like that, in that order, in relation to my weight, in relation to me.
I gulped and swallowed hard. And then I began thinking. And thinking some more....
My previous all-time highest recorded weight was 245 pounds, what I weighed in just a few short months ago, back in January upon rejoining (emphasis on the 're') Weight Watchers. I thought THAT had been a shock -- and yet there I was, now 5 pounds HEAVIER (while $145 membership dollars lighter. Go me). Good Lord. Where was this going to end? When was it going to stop? Could it stop? Yes. It had to. But how??? How could I stop it?????
I think I saw a little of The Light that day. And I'm clinging to hope it was a turning point....
Sunday, April 09, 2006
The Corn Syrup Runs Deep....
I was not breastfed as a baby. Apparently it was still not in favor by the time I came around in the mid 60's. Or, at least it wasn't with my mom, who by that time had already raised three artificially fed infants, and was pretty down with the whole technique. And she truly believed she was doing her best by us too, bless 'er little 76 year old heart (I love that woman), because her doctor assured her it was so. It is kind of sad though, because having nursed my own two babies (now 9 and 12) into toddlerhood as I did? I understand full well, as does most everybody else these days, just what a bonus breastfeeding offers.
Instead, I, along with the rest of my generation, was given 'formula'. Only formula then was very different than what it is today (at least I figure so -- never used it myself, but I understand the corporations research breastmilk, and when a new nutrient is discovered they do their darndest to replicate it). I don't believe there was any commercially available formula back then actually-- my mother concocted her own as per the physician's advice. Every night she would make up all the bottles needed for the following day, with a boiled brew that consisted of 1/3 evaporated milk, 1/3 water, and 1/3 corn syrup. Corn syrup! Lovely. A third of a baby bottle of Karo corn syrup, per how many bottles in a day? Per week? Per year? Surely adding up to the many gobs and gobs of sticky-sweet corn syrup we all must have been weaned upon. Doesn't sound like the healthiest start in life. And it showed, at least on me it did. Photos of me at the time portray the full baby cheeks, bunched up in a smile, the dimpled hands and soft, pudgy knees....
Today I still have the bunchy, full cheeks, big hands and soft, pudgy knees -- plus any number of big, soft, pudgy body parts in addition (though I must say I've run quite the gamut in terms of size over my 39 years). Still have that syrupy corn-sweet tooth too, plus a salty tooth, and a fats tooth. Lots to chew on at any rate....
Instead, I, along with the rest of my generation, was given 'formula'. Only formula then was very different than what it is today (at least I figure so -- never used it myself, but I understand the corporations research breastmilk, and when a new nutrient is discovered they do their darndest to replicate it). I don't believe there was any commercially available formula back then actually-- my mother concocted her own as per the physician's advice. Every night she would make up all the bottles needed for the following day, with a boiled brew that consisted of 1/3 evaporated milk, 1/3 water, and 1/3 corn syrup. Corn syrup! Lovely. A third of a baby bottle of Karo corn syrup, per how many bottles in a day? Per week? Per year? Surely adding up to the many gobs and gobs of sticky-sweet corn syrup we all must have been weaned upon. Doesn't sound like the healthiest start in life. And it showed, at least on me it did. Photos of me at the time portray the full baby cheeks, bunched up in a smile, the dimpled hands and soft, pudgy knees....
Today I still have the bunchy, full cheeks, big hands and soft, pudgy knees -- plus any number of big, soft, pudgy body parts in addition (though I must say I've run quite the gamut in terms of size over my 39 years). Still have that syrupy corn-sweet tooth too, plus a salty tooth, and a fats tooth. Lots to chew on at any rate....
Friday, April 07, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)