Holy cow. Has it really been nearly a year since I've posted here? Really? A wholeYEAR...???
Glad I kept this blog up at any rate, so I could come crawling back when I was ready. And so here I am, a bit bruised and shaken, but standing....
After a relatively laid back spring, where I seemed to be at least holding reasonably steady on the disordered eating front, if not making strides -- something snapped. S-N-A-P-P-E-D. I've since had a many a long month of uncontrolled emotional overeating. Mindless and crazed. Stuffing. Giving in to the demons. What the heck was that??? Out of control and unable to reign myself in, no matter what I tried. Sheesh, I have absolutely ZERO issues with drug and alcohol abuse, but if it is anything like THAT, to be so powerless over Food.... Well, perhaps there really is a parallel and I can personally relate to Addiction after all....
The Shagri-la Diet of the past was a bust obviously. I should have never gotten caught up with that. Why would I still be tempted and get myself trapped with quick-fixes, when after all I've been through you would think I'd know better? Will I never learn?
At any rate, it's taken weeks of self-talk and internal bargaining -- a constant dialog in my head -- but I'm finally trying to fight my way back, and return to Peace and Calm. Today I will be attempting to get through my third or fourth day in a row of non-disordered eating. So far these last few days it really hasn't been so difficult, once I was finally able to get a grip on myself and my psyche, and into the correct frame of mind (man, THAT is the hard part). These last several days have been wonderful gifts of peace and calm to myself --in mind, body and spirit. I have made good, self-sustaining food choices, with no disordered eating. It's such a good and healthful (and hopeful) feeling, and I want (need) it to last -- as long as it possibly can. There really is just no other way. I can't go back to the other -- it's sheer torture.
Doesn't this all sound so dramatic? I can't help it -- it IS dramatic. Nobody reads this anyway. I can write here just for me....
Despite it all, I don't think too TERRIBLY much damage in terms of weight was done, thank goodness. The size 18 jeans still fit. They are TIGHT, yes. But they zip. Not entirely comfortably-- but I can wear them, and have been (though I admit once I get back into the privacy of my own home I am prone to unbuttoning the top button! Already today however, while I sit at the computer typing this I don't feel the need to unbutton. That's how quickly it can happen). I estimate I'm likely somewhere near the dreaded 250 pound mark again -- but hey, at the rate that things were going, it could have been far worse (because the 18's still fit).
I'm just thankful I was able to finally arrest the downward spiral. And I'm praying to keep it up, and to remain in the Peace and Calm -- because I can't go through that mess again.....
