...I did give myself a little weigh this evening. I'd stopped by my folks to retrieve our critters (who had been in their care while we were away), used their bathroom before I left -- and there sat their scale, an irresistable mere inches away. I know I've mentioned I'm trying not to focus overly much on what the scale says in my quest to cure my disordered emotionally charged, compulsive eating habits -- still, I felt compelled to take the opportunity since we don't own one. And it was with relief too. I'm 242 -- down 8 pounds....
This amount is significant to me on a couple of levels. For one thing, it's the exact number I was recorded as weighing about 2 1/2 years ago, upon joining Weight Watchers. I can recall how disheartening that was at the time, because having not weighed myself (by choice) for years and years (even turning my back when stepping on the scale at the doc office -- the nurses were very accomodating about that), I was clueless as to the exact amount. And needless to say, I recall how I hadn't expected it to be quite so much (wince). But I took it in stride, squared my shoulders and resolved to give The Plan (points) the good college try. And I did, there for awhile, getting as low as 225 without a terrible lot of effort, just as I was also coming off a heavy-duty summer exercise program -- and just before encountering a very stubborn plateau. A VERY stubborn plateau. Gradually, in time, I became frustrated with the amount of money I was spending on meetings, without seeing the scale budge. Plus, tracking points was becoming ...what? Tiresome? You know the story. Eventually I made the fateful decision to discontinue WW to try going it alone (ahem). And I did hold steady, at least for a time -- in fact it took all this time, years really, to gain the weight back. But gain it back I did of course -- and then some. When I attempted rejoining WW again this past January, I weighed in at that first meeting at 245. Ouch. Oh, how I longed to just see 242 again. 2-4-2. Funny how a number that seemed oppressively awful only a few short years ago, should suddenly have been almost welcomed....
My WW experience of this past January was of an altogether different animal, this last round when I came crawling back. I began it with the sincerest intentions (New Year's resolutions et al). But instead of the easy initial weight loss of my previous attempt? This time I stalled out right from the beginning, my head not being in the right place. My body neither. The first several weeks were disasterous, and I ended up chucking it all early on in utter discouragement and disgust -- managing instead to gain an additional 5 pounds, in Feb/early March, with yet another sustained bout of out-of-control eating, before waking myself up with the slap of Reality (all 250 pounds of it)....
So it's happy I am to see my old friend, 242. Feels kind of like starting fresh.....
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It's like reading my own journal. I joined WW at 192, feeling that "ugh" of wow, didn't expect that number. Lost, gained, lost, gained through the death of my grandfather and quitting my job for full-time student status. Quit WW for the same reasons, boredom and money primarily, in January. By March I was at 208. I had gained back everything I lost PLUS an extra 16. Talk about frightening. Out of control, messed up eating, because what difference does it make anyway, right? Well, after all of my "fat" pants no longer fit I had to face facts. It's still slow going, still tentative and day by day, still emotionally charged and terrifying. Nobody ever tells you losing weight is scary. Ever notice that? Anyway, I too, am looking forward to seeing 192 again, while keeping the "diet" word and mentality as far away as possible. It's important to recognize repeated failures in order to move forward.
Good work, keep it up.
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