"Off"

Yesterday was another day of non-disordered eating for me, for which I am very thankful (thank you, thank you). I guess it really is a one-day-at-a-time thing.

And it's really a little bit odd too. Like a switch, that suddenly got shut off. One day of rummaging around in the kitchen, nervously picking and consuming whatever I could get my hands on, and the next day ... not. I'm not going out of my way to prepare special diet meals either, nor am I abstaining. I'm just trying to be 'normal' (whatever that may be) with food -- and yesterday was a 'good' day in that regard (as was the day before that, and the day before that). I'm hoping today will be too. I'm not exactly sure what happened in terms of my apparent on/off switch, or how -- but I'm going with it. And I want to keep it going, encourage it to stick around, as long as it can. Staying 'off'. It feels very freeing. But it also feels very fragile....

And that's the part of the purpose of this blog for me, and why I began it. To get those thoughts and emotions and feelings out there. Out on the table, naked and vulnerable. To feel them, poke them. To explore and express them.And I'm sensitive, oh so sensitive. I know I have 'triggers' too --plus, I tend to be a very hyper-private person (I'm going to try very hard to suspend my privacy inhibitions for the sake of this journal. The anonymity helps of course), and I internalize far too much for my own good. Repression, I suspect you may be where I get into trouble. I need to get up close and personal with ...myself.

I began this journey of self-healing several weeks ago now, though, even after consulting the calendar this morning, I can't pin-point exactly what day that might have been, if indeed it did begin on any one particular day (I think not, it was more subconscious and gradual than that). So, for the sake of simplicity, I'm going to claim the day of my first entry, April 7th, as my official first day (of the rest of my life)....